


Set the fire to the third bar

by phocahispida



Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic, Star wars legends knights of the fallen empire
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-06-04 16:50:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 38,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6666559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phocahispida/pseuds/phocahispida
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She was battleborn, a slave who had fought every obstacle in her way, defeating her enemies one by one, rising to immense power. A prideful being, loving with both her hearts and being just as passionate as one might presume a Sith to be. </p><p>They called her Darth Imperius, for she was practical but not cruel, saving those lives she could and standing for civilians whenever possible.</p><p>Maybe due to her 'softness' she got captured and unjustly imprisoned for five years. She lost her might and power, she lost her Empire, she might've lost the man she loved more than anything, even her freedom. </p><p>She had no fight left in her when they freed her, calling her the Outlander, wishing her to lead an unorthodox Alliance into a hopeless battle against a new yet ages old, dreadful enemy. </p><p>Luckily she had few friends, long lost allies and an unlikely companion fighting for her, maybe even wishing to keep her warm, somewhere in the vast and cold galaxy far, far away.</p><p>// English isn't my first language and the chapters aren't necessarily in a chronological order. I don't own any of the characters, obviously.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. COVER

  
  
SET FIRE TO THE THIRD BAR.


	2. I'm a sinner, I like it that way - you're a sinner, you're a sinner, you'll like it that way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like the sun, like the light, like a plane  
> Like the storm, I'm born through everything  
> Like a bomb in the night, like a train  
> Thundering through the hills, let it rain
> 
> I'm a sinner / Madonna

Nejeena appreciated the courage of this man. He talked to her like an equal, which he was neither due to his title nor his position. The man looked like a skilled fighter but Nejeena supposed she could still take him down easily. When it came to perks like slicing or poisons or stealth, well, it was safe to say she was definitely not a spy - so the agent might've got a chance of surprising her... unlikely though. She'd definitely tear him to pieces if it came to it. 

Had he not helped her to escape a heated situation, the same day, and ignored Lana, just a moment ago (which was something that every Sith Lord should experience every now and then), he might've irked her with his overconfidence. Though she wasn't sure whether it was just a ruse and an attempt to keep her at a bay. Besides his tall but functionally muscular frame and broad shoulders reminded her of Nik, which made her feel more comfortable around him. It was the stupidest reason to let ones guard down, however little she did some, but what could you do?

Shans features were an unusual mix of characteristics from several human races, but that was all Nejeena could say. She was able to tell unlimited amount of things about a fellow Zabrak, just by looking at their tattoos: First of all they told her whether the other Zabrak had gone through their rite of passage. Besides that, tattoos could symbolize family lineage, a place of birth, or even tell others something about the personality and achievements of the one carrying them. But if she should tell of what race some human was, she probably couldn't figure that out, at least not if there was even a drop of mixed blood in that bucket.

The Agent had nice hair, as far as she could tell. She loved Nik's long hair; These days his dark curls had been felted into long, thin batons, but when Nejeena had met Nik, she'd detested him for not having either horns or hair; She preferred her men to have at least another, preferably both. Shans green eyes had a piercing way of looking at others, like he'd tried to memorize their features and deeds carefully and analyze them as keenly as possible, to use the data he'd collected later, if needed to be.

And he clearly had a dry sense of humor, based on the way he'd commented both her earlier performance, the very first moment they met and how he’d reacted to Jakarro and his droid. He even flashed a smile for the hairy giant. It had made her smile a little too, but she was happy no-one noticed her reaction. The last thing she needed right now was her current company thinking she'd have hots for some Republic spy.

A little later it didn't matter whether someone had noticed her slip earlier, since she found herself staring Agent Shans behind when he left the room. It was a very nice piece of ass but judging by the glance Lana shot at her direction, Nejeena hadn't checked it out very subtlety.

_"Thought you were married?"_

The Sith Lord asked. Nejeena huffed. She'd had this conversation countless times in various forms but she supposed that wasn't Lanas fault any more than her being kind of fed up with answering such questions was.

_"I'm married yes and I've promised to love my husband and have sex with him. But neither of us has promised to do either of those things exclusively."_

"Oh, I see."

Lana said. Nejeena never found out how she felt about it as she never brought the subject up again. Maybe the Sith Lord realized she'd overstepped their boundaries and decided to back down.

\----

But it made Nejeena think about the first time she and Nik had been in Alderaan together. She'd met this man... Urtel? He'd been very interested in her, almost comically so, and she had needed someone to vent some pressure with. Another user of the Force was always a safer bet for such purposes. And with them… nice tricks could be tried out, so she'd slept with him.

She hadn't given much thought to Andronikos' feelings, truth to be told none whatsoever. She'd been alone for so long she had no idea how one should deal with having a relationship like they had, however lighthearted and new it was. Should one recognize it somehow, maybe avoid doing something? The mere thought made her head hurt.

Afterwards the pirate had been leaning to a wall, waiting for her.

_”Well, that took a while. But that’s alright, I found my own tour guide. Sweet young lady that mucks out the thranta stables. Almost nobility but without the stink.”_

Both grinned like idiots after that statement and Nejeena felt like she should say something.

_”Maybe four of us should have a dinner party!”_

_”She’s not a dinner party type, sorry.”_

Nik retorted.

_”Neither am I.”_

_”Maybe I have a type then.”_

A light feeling and a gentle warmth spread inside her like some symptom of a awful disease. Even if it were sheer impossibility it almost felt like happiness.

_"We make a good team."_

Andronikos stepped closer and took her hand into his.

_"Indeed we do."_

Nejeena brushed his palm with her fingers and closed the space between them.

_"Just don't go soft on me."_

Andronikos smirked, his angular and generally angry looking features softening for a second.

_"Hey, that'll always happen eventually, no matter how hard I try."_

Nejeena shook her head. Grown men behaving like teenagers, their minds working like they were barely in full puberty.

_"You know I didn't talk about cock."_

_"I know. But if you wish to give a speech of how much you love mine, same sort of prosaic crap that Urtel guy uttered for you will do just nicely."_

_"Ass."_

_"Changing subjects are we?"_

She kissed him to shut him up and it was a quick and hard kiss by its intented nature. But as he pushed her against a wall, hands roaming her figure, grapping her ass, the kiss deepened and continued. Before she could catch up with the changing pace, she could already feel that he was hard as he rubbed himself against her. Nik used Nejeenas horns like handles to tilt her head so that he could bite, kiss and lick her neck.

They got rid of the critical parts of their clothing swiftly and the notion of them being in a corridor, one that anyone could use any given moment, brushed Nejeenas mind only for the shortest moment. As Nik penetrated her and she wrapped her legs around him, the painting behind her back getting all sweaty, she had to smile widely. Andronikos stopped and looked at her, still locked inside her.

_"What?"_

_"Just thinking what was thrusted into me just a moment ago and where you sticked yourself, around the same time."_

_"That... amuses you?"_

_"I like that we are both equally trashy."_

_"Me too."_

He grunted and then they didn't waste time talking anymore.

A servant, trying to deliver some papers, using that passage saw them and watched them a while, hidden behind a curtain. Just before he came, the tall pirate buried his face into the womans neck, revealing her face that had an close-eyed, open-mouthed expression of pleasure written all over her features. They didn't think it back then but that young girl saw something before them as she thought: _I want to have something like that one day_.

\----

Years later Nejeena fiddled with her wedding ring. _Damn that I love that man_ , she thought. I'm privileged to have a lover that doesn't give a damn about who sees us or judges this thing were having, one who is all about passion and being crazy for one another. Andronikos found her like that, smiling to herself, looking unusually serene.

_"What's on your mind today?"_

She kissed his cheek.

"Besides agent Shans ass? I realized that if I died today I'd die a happy woman."

He wrapped his arms around her waist and she leaned her back against him.

_"Guess that's a good thought... but don't."_

_"Don't?"_

_"Never leave me alone in this world."_

His voice dropped a little and she'd witnessed a wave of raw emotion hitting ashore behind his eyes, had she seen them.

_"Hey, that'll always happen eventually, no matter how hard I try."_

_"Ass."_

_"Oh that too."_

 


	3. Stooped down and out: you got me beggin for thread, to sew this hole up that you ripped in my head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stooped down and out  
> You got me beggin for thread  
> To sew this hole up that you ripped in my head  
> Stupidly think you had it under control  
> Strapped down to something that you don't understand  
> Don't know what you were getting yourself into  
> You should have known  
> Secretly, I think you knew
> 
> I got some dirt on my shoes  
> My words can come out as a pistol  
> And I'm no good at aiming  
> But I can aim it at you
> 
> I know my actions, they may get confusing  
> But my unstable ways is my solution to even space  
> That's why you wanna come out and play with me, yeah
> 
> Begging for thread / Banks

It was a quiet day in the tropical world of Rishi. He hadn't run in with any pirates but he'd been able to map some new routes Nova Blades were using and managed to pick up couple of their communication frequencies and intercept few messages. Some of the locations they had mentioned might turn out to be highly useful.

_"What in the name of..."_

He muttered. A loud bang echoed in the woods. And then a constant, muffeled noise followed. The racket was coming closer and he could spot the sound of branches breaking and some larger animals screeching... and maybe a small engine revving? Bright flashes lit the treeline, like a thunderstorm had hit a very limited area, leaving its surroundings intact.

All of a sudden there was a small bright flash of yellow, orange and red, all blurred together into a dizzying mess, on a narrow path that pierced the jungle. On the heels of a zabrak flying a dented duster, crouching over the dashboard, hands gripping the control sticks, twisting her body around every now and then to see whether the skar'kla chasing her were falling behind or closing in.

She rained lightning storms and singular lighting strikes on the huge, enraged beasts that followed her. Theron had seen so many skar'kla in one place only once and he wondered what the Sith had done to anger such a pack of them. As the electricity hit the reptiles they stopped, their bodies convulsing, a smell of burning flesh and melting skin filling the air.

As far as he could tell she'd killed four of those beasts already but as many of them charged forward still, and in the following ruckus the duster was knocked over and the Sith was tossed on the side of the road.

It shook Theron out of his inspective yet passive state and without giving it any further thought he grabbed his blaster. He started shooting towards the reptile that had grabbed its half-conscious opponent with its lethal claw and raised her into air. The gruesome looking creature was to chomp a sizeable chunk out of Darth Imperius. Probably a head. But the blaster shot to the shoulder made it turn its gaze to his direction. Wonderful.

_"Hey agent! Where did you come from?"_

Nejeena shouted as she had been dropped back to ground and whilst she was rolling away from the reach of the beast that had now focused on attacking Theron instead.

Skar'kla had mean, little eyes. Surprisingly intelligent looking stare and they surely were fast enough. The Sith was running around, trying to avoid getting stomped on or being shred to pieces, lighting flashing around her. The lightsaber she carried had an eerie orange halo with a black heart like it protested against light the weapon was supposed to glow, cut deep wounds whenever it hit some of the beasts.

She'd socked and stroke two more beasts down before Theron had finished even this one. Before he had time to actually lament said score he felt strong claws scratching his ankle and with a strong pull and tuck and world turning around momentarily he found himself in the deadly embrace of two humongous arms.

The breath of skar-kla reeked like a rotten corpse and its long tonque licked the corners of its mouth like it was wondering whether he was edible. The Sith was still battling the last beast when Theron decided he needed help. He couldn't use any of the weapons down his sleeve since the reptile had locked his arms against his sides and he'd lost all feeling in them. Theron had fought against similar beasts with his bare hands, damn it, but this time he'd really gotten himself in trouble.

_"A little help here?"_

He tried shout but the noise he managed to make sounded more like a bark or a screech.

_"Do you want a lightning rod going through your abdomen?"_

Darth Imperius yelled as she dodged skar'klas swinging arm and pushed it backwards with a thundering blast.

_"No thanks!"_

Theron whined. Small, bright spots started dancing in his eyes and his mouth felt numb and dry. It was getting harder and harder to think. He knew he'd pass out soon if the beast kept on squeezing him.

_"Familiar with lighsabers? If I'll throw mine to you?"_

The Sith offered, barely blocking Skar'klas surging attack with her barrier.

_"NO!"_

Theron was a tad surprised he could still make such a loud noise.

_"Well what do you suggest I do then?"_

She shouted. Even if the Sith had implied he was beyond helping she'd surely done something. The skar'kla started twisting and shaking and it opened its jaws. It was even more furious than before and instead of slowly suffocating him and crushing his bones one by one it had decided to separate his head from his torso.

But right before the beast locked its sharp and nauseatingly long teeth around him it let out a scream. A surge of blood and entrails and non-stomached food was flooding up as some sort of violent burst of dark power wrecked the insides of said beast. And as Theron was halfway to its throat all the crud was spilled all over him before the skar'kla let its arms fall down and collapsed to the ground dead as a boulder of scaly rock.

_Shit! Aaaah. Shit!_

Theron felt his stomack turning around. The smell of digestive acids mixed with guts and all sorts of goo was appalling and he could feel it flowing into his ears, inside his jacket and when he was swearing it tried to invade his mouth.

A loud, cackling laughter was ringing in the air around him. It was a mix of exhaustion and hysteria and epicaricacy. It sounded like Nejeena had stuck into never-ending series of giggling but just as Theron thought he'd be forced to open his eyes, even if it would resort this possibly poisonous mixture getting into them, he felt a piece of clothing wiping most of the liquid off his hair and face.

_"You must really taste gross."_

Darth Imperius managed to say before she bursted into laughter yet again. Tears were falling from her eyes and she had to sit down on a trampled and burned grass.

Theron was annoyed, tired and humiliated but as he witnessed a feared and supposedly deadly Sith Lord rocking herself and almost rolling on the ground he felt an inevitable tide of laughter crashing on him as well. So he found himself howling beside her, still covered in sleaze and leaves getting stuck on him as well.

Darth Imperius was sporting quite voiceful hiccups and accompanied by an especially loud squeaking noise she stood up.

_"Damn that I hate killing wildlife. But these guys got angry as I stumbled on their beach. I'd been running from them ever since."_

Theron tried to scrub the remaining goo from his face but then he realized the Sith had yanked this particular piece of clothing away from her armor in which it usually decorated her pants. The thought of rubbing a flap that had been pushed against her crotch... to himself made him blush. He hoped she didn't notice his sudden reaction.

_"I thought Sith didn't escape."_

He deflected. Darth Imperius snorted. She was inspecting the condition of her duster as she answered.

_"I usually do this sort of excursions with my husband but since he's elsewhere I had to pilot the duster and fight off the wildlife gone rampant at the same time. He's much better at flying and not bad with his blasters either and I'll tell you that man who can drive without hands and shoot with dual blasters makes a girl a little heated."_

She sighed. It was a glimpse of very basic humanity he saw in her in that fleeting moment. Like an old lady becoming young for a while as she remembered her long lost lover or a teenager pining over a hopeless crush and being mortified by the fact someone else knew about it. A Darth missing their non-Sith-husband and their shared adventures. Would the wonders never cease?

_"Fun times, ha?"_

Theron asked and earned a measuring gaze from the Sith. Like she'd been weighing whether he was actually interested about her life or mocked her, or just sarcastically showed how little he cared to hear her jabbering. Then she nodded curtly, which didn't give up what sort of conclusion she'd ended in.

_"Are you done here? I'd say we should try and get you into the shower as fast as possible."_

Theron admired the way a relatively small woman like her had dragged the duster back on the road all on her own. She'd fixed some minor issues while they talked and now the scratches, bruises and superficial cuts she'd gotten on her arms during her escape and the fight were accompanied with some sort of crease she'd picked from the duster. She wiped sweat from her forehead and cheeks and the black tattoos got company as well. Theron wondered what her tattoos meant. He reminded himself to find that out as it seemed they'd be working together...

 _Wait_ , now he was willing to accept her as a regularly featuring player in the net of operations he and Beniko had stumbled upon and expanded ever since? It would very much seem so.

_"Whatever intel I might've collected about Nova Blades is now lost for days, thanks to the ruckus you caused. And besides they'd smell me coming miles apart."_

Theron said, looking at his favourite boots and a jacket he'd had since his teenager years, wondering whether it would ever survive this incident.

_"Well I'm sorry for the smell as well as messing with your scouting mission. Maybe I'll help you with the shower head and scrub your back as a gesture of making amends?"_

Why she kept doing this, he wondered. They hadn't been working together for long but she'd started teasing him right from the start. Back in Manaan, after a few strictly professional discussions she'd already suggested he'd switch sides and join her. With privileges, she'd added. Of course she hadn't been serious but still, it made him more uneasy than he liked to admit. Not that he couldn't handle some flirting but when he looked at her and tried to give her an equally frivolous answer, the words got stuck in his throat.

_"Hop on and let's head back to the Raiders Cove, shall we? The least I can do is to offer you  a ride."_

Darth Imperius said, for once all hidden meanings and implications missing from her voice and body language. Theron inspected the duster suspiciously. It surely had gone through a lot. But the Sith hadn't lied about her usually tandem-flying the vechile since it even had a longer bench than the usual model and extra stands and handle for the person sitting on the back and looking to the direction the duster was coming from. Good for shooting lightning on anyone pursuing those onboard, no doubt.

_"Fine but I'll do the flying."_

Theron said. The Sith gave her a smile that was a bit out of place. Nejeena looked pleased - she must really hate piloting then.

_"I wouldn't have it any other way."_

_\---_

He couldn't find his jacket, no matter how hard he tried. Had he been back in the SIS, he'd suspected a prank but unlike some of his co-workers, Lana wasn't a pranking kind of woman. The possibility of him just forgetting it laying around on some random chair was getting thinner and thinner since the damn thing had been missing for two days now. And if someone had stolen it from their supposedly secret base, well, it was safe to say the missing jacket wouldn't be their top priority in that case. His thoughts were interrupted when he stepped into the corner he used for sleeping and hit his head on a girder. This space was a mockery for a man of his height! Of course the Sith had demanded on having a whole room for herself, with an actual bed and he'd yielded, for some reason or another.

Tiny or not, something was out of place; His supposedly lost jacket was folded neatly on his bedroll, all tidied up, smelling clean, so good it almost didn't feel like it belonged to him. Even few old, deep scratches and blaster shot holes carefully fixed with fresh leather patches. Someone had even rubbed balm on the leather, making it softer and more flexible. A new coat wouldn't been much neater, or actually this was much better than a fresh jacket.

Theron slid his hands into the sleeves and huffed. He hadn't noticed how much he'd missed this worn and torn jacket before he didn't have it anymore. It was like a second skin to him, an extra layer of safety and familiarity in the world full of corruption, death and deception. He sat down and closed his eyes, noticing someone had fixed a hole inside his pocket too. And as he fumbled the inside of his pocket further he felt something odd on the edge. A small, neatly embroiled letter had emerged on the leathery edge of the jacket, hidden in a pocket right before the inner fabric started. With a squiggly scriptlike typeface it said:

_N_


	4. Yes, the loneliness is the longest memory, it's the longest memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But I swear that I heard this story one time  
> About visions and greatness born to every child   
> Rolling down, tears are rolling down;  
> Rolling down this state of mind.
> 
> All things being equal - at least in degrees   
> Different, different pedigrees,  
> They're burning down the streets.  
> Take the burden to the streets.  
> Now that she's gone do you think we're all free?  
> Slipping the chains of history?  
> Tears are rolling down, they're still rolling down.  
> Oh it's pure and it's perfect and you know what they say?  
> The good book maketh good men   
> Then they go to their graves.
> 
> Don't fear the fight.  
> Don't you fear the fight.
> 
> But the loneliness  
> Oh the loneliness  
> Yes, the loneliness is the longest memory  
> It's the longest memory
> 
> Longest Memory / Nerina Pallot

Theron sat on a floor. The base for their undercover operation had emptied and he enjoyed the silence. They had been making progress in Rishi in a highly acceptable pace and working together with his allies from the Empire... They'd been a very valuable asset so far.

Someone coughed on the doorway. Theron jumped a little. His hand went for his gun as his body prepared for a fight. Darth Imperius stepped out from the shadows, an amused smirk on her lips.

_"Scared, Agent?"_

_"Merely surprised."_

_"Ain't plotting alone in the dark something I should be doing?"_

The Sith asked and it earned her a throaty and short laughter from Shan. She sat next to him. It still baffled him - the way she acted like they were more than just parts of a forged alliance. Like they could become friends, share things...

She'd surely asked for _him_ to tell about himself during the weeks they'd been solving the situation with slavers, shouting droids, bird people, Revanite-shenanigans and crazy Sith looking for eternal life. But he hardly knew anything about her. Would she even be willing to give him such knowledge or was her attempt of acting friendly just that, an act, one-sided way of collecting information, means to an unknown end.

_"Hey Sith. Remember when you asked all those things about my childhood, training and career. What about you, who is this famous Darth Imperius, not as a story that Imperials tell but really, behind the myth?"_

Nejeena seemed to pounder his questions before she answered.

_"You are part of Republic Strategic Information Services. It would be safe to assume you probably already know most of the things you are referring to... So why ask about them?_

Theron considered his answer. How he could push her into sharing some of her personal history without it looking like he tested her somehow? Never minding he actually did just that.

_"I want to hear them from you. It's an entirely different experience when someone who's been going through all that stuff shares them. No report gives you such clarity, details and intim... personal touch."_

She must've deemed his response worthy; Huffing mildly the Sith turned to face him.

_"Fine. What do you want to hear?"_

_"Everything important, I guess."_

Theron said, suddenly well aware of how unprepared he had been for diving into this situation.

" _That's awfully specific. We don't have time for **that** , but let's start from the beginning, shall we?"_

She said, her canines showing as she gave him a sarcastic look. Her joints made a popping sound when she flexed her fingers and then she reached her another hand towards Theron.

_"May I?"_

The Sith asked and Theron took her hand, even if a little begrudgingly.

The air was hot and an acid pool let out a stingy smell. The orange mountains, which had lost all their sharpness in the centuries or thousands of years of wind carving against them, stood solemnly in the middle of that toxic wasteland. Between them was a gap, and if one was perceptive enough, they could spot two small figures, like ants, or birds flying almost out of the the reaches of eyesight, entering a large canyon.

A chittering cloud of sand blew through the otherwise secluded hideout. As one walked towards the canyons end a sizable village emerged, houses climbing up the ridge and an green streak of green, possibly a small area of farmland surrounding it. A pair of Zabraks were walking towards the village. They were in no hurry, a full-gown Zabrak, likely a man, walked in a slow pace, letting the child accompanying him to stop and pick up rocks and even a small lizard. A constant babbling filling the air didn’t seem to annoy the man, it rather amused him. Theron couldn’t understand the words but he assumed the child talked more out of a habit than out of need.

When the kid turned to show her newest findings to the man who was supposedly their father, Theron recognized her. Nejeena was handing some sort of tile in her hand. It seemed to be a piece of a long lost puzzle of sort and her father kneeled next to her, examining it keenly. He gave the piece back to the girl and asked something from her with more serious tone than before. She nodded, a thoughtful expression on her face. They held each others hands and continued their walk towards the village.

Theron gasped when his mind and stomach rolled simultaneously. He had an awful feeling of falling, like the one that usually follows imminent waking up if experienced in a sleep. He was back in the empty base of their current operation and Nejeena was looking at her with an unusual, slightly concerned wrinkle forming between her brows.

_”You really have zero sensitivity to the Force, do you? That seems almost impossible considering your bloodline but maybe I’ll have to believe it."_

_”What was that?”_

Theron asked, still feeling a little nauseous and the world turning upside down in his head several times.

_”A trick I learned from my mother. She was a healer, some might say a doctor, a storyteller, a listener and midwife of our village. She could tap into the memories of others or share her life with them. Sometimes she gave those who had experienced traumas or losses, which almost made them crazy, a moment of serenity by planting a peaceful and joyful memory into their head.”_

_”So she was a Sith as well?”_

_”No. She was never part of any Sith traditions, ruling or organization. She didn’t get that sort of training and she used the Force very… unconventionally. Some people said she was a witch rather than a Sith or a Jedi. The people she left behind when she was very young were in a cult_ _of some sort, bending the rules - imaginary bars those who call themselves Jedi or Sith have built around themselves. The ways her childhood conclave manipulated the reality around them was both wondrous and unsettling at the same time, she told me.”_

The look she gave him suggested she couldn't decide whether she should sent him to his bed like a slightly sick child, without asking questions or give him a saying considering his well-being.

_”Can you handle another trip?”_

Theron nodded. He felt much better already, the twisting and turning feeling was gone and he could see clearly again. This time Nejeena put both her palms on his shoulders, like she was trying to ground him better or be able to guide him more efficiently.

_”Nena!”_

A young boy cried out. He was clearly furious. A teenaged girl kept a toy in her raised hand, teasing him and the boy jumped around her, still shouting in a language Theron didn't understand. Then the girl grabbed the boy with her free arm until he was in her fathom and started to give him small kisses until the child relaxed in her arms. She gave him the toy and both grinned.

Behind them, in a room that might’ve been a kitchen, a loud clatter cut the air. Both children ran into the room and saw a woman, who was likely their mother, staring into bowl that lied on the floor, broken into two pieces. The girl, a younger and leaner looking Nejeena, likely in her teenage years, trapped her mothers shoulder with her hand.

She turned around, a terrified stare still fixed into her blood-red eyes. Nejeena leaned closer and the mother whispered something to her. Nejeena made an unintended, protective gesture towards her brother. She suggested something her mother protested fiercely and they started cleaning up the mess from the floor, like the argument they’d had could not be resolved in that moment, one way or another.

The whole family ate together, though the father had buried his face into a large tome and the mother was humming a strange song. The siblings had an one-sided conversation, the brother babbling constantly, like his sister had done almost a decade ago, and she nodded and smiled at him every now and them, showing she was listening and supporting him. Eventually every one of them fell asleep in their small home, the parents together in a large bed, the little brother on some kind of settee and Nejeena on a narrow wooden bed near the doorway.

A flashing light pierced the darkness of the night and a humming sound Theron could tell to originate from an airship, even through his sleep, likely even half-dead, came closer. People started screaming outside, a faint scent of smoke lingered in the air. The boy woke up, rubbing his eyes and he padded slowly towards the door. When he opened it, his mouth fell open. The farmland was gone, in fire, some of the houses had crumbled down when a huge starship had landed on them. Slavers, he figured.

Blaster shots lit the darkness here and there. People ran around, trying to flee but those who couldn’t be captured were shot down mercilessly. A group of Zabraks were attacking the invaders from the base Theron assumed to be a school of some sort. They were likely protecting civilians, children, elderly people but not women in particular. If he’d learned anything from Nejeena so far, all capable women were in the heat of the battle as well. He knew they’d fight until the last drop of blood, bravely and fiercely but it was a doomed effort nevertheless. They were badly outnumbered and outmatched. Few dozen soldiers could not keep away ship guns and several units of more heavily armed enemies for long.

Now Nejeena and her parents were awake as well. Their father grabbed a bag from the kitchen and the mother snatched a large sack, like they’d prepared for an invasion beforehand. The father moved a tapestry, revealing a hidden door, leading straight into the mountain. He gestured his family to follow and they disappeared into the dark. Theron let out a relieved huff. They just might escape. After a long walk in silence they reached the other end of the tunnel. A moonlight lit the sky with an eerie red glow and the desert around them was quiet. Too quiet, he realized when a shot flew through the air, crushing the fathers skull as it entered his eye and exited from the other side.

Nejeena, who’d been standing behind him, now covered in blood and what seemed to be small pieces of brain, it was hard to tell in this darkness, slammed up a barrier to protect her mother and brother. The older Zabrak woman moved her hands, muttering and making the air twist around her unnaturally. Screams cut through the air; The enemies, who’d hid behind some rocks nearby, fell to the ground, spasming and cries going silent one by one as the blood filled their lungs with loud gurgles and sprouted out of their mouths. But another wave of slavers and their mercenary forces was closing in. Nejeena shot them with lightning and the boy picked up his fathers blaster, shooting into their direction. None of the enemies could come past the line of rocks without being electrified to death or hexed in a horrifying manner.

Nejeena gave her mother a short look, a shared moment of love and proud and… of a grim understanding. Like she'd foreseen this, known that whatever they did, however well they prepared and fought back their end was near. The mothers smiling face twisted and Theron saw a blade pushing through her chest. Someone had sneaked behind them in stealth, using the very same tunnel they’d used for escape just a moment ago. The mother fell to the ground, an eery light leaving her body and setting itself into her daughter.

The said daughter fought, tears falling and her lips cracking in the heat. She was trembling, the unusual amount of Force flowing through her body. Her barrier fell down once again and she stumbled, her legs giving up. There was only two slavers left and as they came closer, the little boy shot one of them to the head, resorting his gun to finally overheat. Nejeena rose up, her eyes burning in the dark and before the slaver could claim them, she slammed her body against him and ripped the slavers throat open with her bare teeth.

The blood ran down her chin as she slumped to the ground. A red light flashed behind the rocks and a tall figure, wrapped in a black cowl walked towards them. As she closed in, Theron could tell she was a Sith Pureblood, with a ferocious grin on her face and a bestial aura surrounding her.

_”What do we have here?”_

She asked. In a swift move of her lightsaber she impaled the child who’d tried to hide behind halfway unconscious Nejeena. The pain in her eyes, it’s intensity and finality in the few transient seconds before she finally passed out, was something Theron had never seen in his life.

Theron snapped out, more violently than before. It was like Nejeena had cut the connection short. They sat in a silence for some time.

_"My mother saw that my parents would die on that rock some call my home planet, but there's no home for me anymore. She knew they'd fall, defending us. She thought both her children would make it. Maybe she couldn't see past her own death, luckily so. That Sith, I killed her, soon after.”_

_"She had that coming."_

The blatant and almost cruel way he said that surprised Nejeena, based on a way she glanced at him.

_”Yes. And then I ended up as some sort of trophy slave in the house of a family who had made their name with smuggling and slave trading and assassinating people. But that is yet another story.”_

Nejeena said and stood up. She was about to leave and on the doorway she turned to look at Theron.

_"Was that personal enough? To prove a point or whatever?"_

Theron rose up. He had no idea what he should say to her. Experiencing something like this, a journey into someones memories had been both exhausting and overwhelming.

" _I'm sorry. About your family."_

He said. She shrugged.

_"Don't be. There is a moment for everyone for their number to be called."_

And the darkness of an empty marketplace wrapped her inside its tails, almost like she'd never even left them and been sitting there with him.

 


	5. When the heat starts growing horns, she's thunderstorms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've been feeling foolish  
> You should try it  
> She came and substituted  
> The peace and quiet for  
> Acrobatic blood flow  
> Concertina cheating heart beat  
> Rapid fire
> 
> Here is your host  
> Sounds as if she's pretty close  
> When the heat starts growing horns  
> She's thunderstorms
> 
> She's been loop the looping  
> Around my mind  
> Her motorcycle boots give me  
> This kind of acrobatic blood  
> Concertina cheating heart beat  
> Rapid fire
> 
> She's thunderstorms  
> Lying on her front  
> Up against the wall  
> She's thunderstorms  
> In an unusual place  
> When you're feeling far away  
> She does what the night does to the day
> 
> She's thunderstorms / Arctic Monkeys

Theron had been shot, well there hadn't been much else than dodging, ducking and shooting back for the last hour. But this one shot had really hit it's mark and kolto repaired the damage and eased the pain on his side way too slowly.

His another blaster had stopped working and the urge to lie down and rest even for a moment was getting harder and harder to resist. Yet he knew he couldn't stop or he'd die here. Alone, forgotten, stuck with seemingly endless enemies on a mission which very nature could be questioned by the generations to come. That sounded so much like him, he weren't sure whether he was supposed to laugh or cry.

But then he felt it, energy in the room changing as the electricity started crackling in the nearby hallway. Huge junks of walls started falling on a floor when someone pushed the revanites against it with a force that broke their skulls and bones into pieces. She was coming through for him, quite literally since she seemed to tear the place apart trying to find him. Screams of the enemies filled the air and all the electricity in the air made his hair hit sparks.

A few, supposedly well placed lightning strikes later a silence fell to the area and Theron sprinted towards the Sith. There was no doubt who'd be waiting him on the other side. It was an interesting thought, him running to meet a sith rather than fighting her. Few revanites approached him and he twisted his body to shot towards them whilst he ran.

Bel was talking to Revans manifestation near the holoterminal, covered in a blood. There was gore even on her horns, which could've been poetic, hadn't it been a bit disconcerting. The Sith rarely rushed into the heat of a fight but now she'd clearly hacked her opposers down with lightsaber instead of using only lightning and playing tricks with their bodies and minds from the distance.

She mocked the crazed lunatic that was his ancestor and even doing so she truly was a sight for sore eyes. Her red body was leaning slightly on the left, making the scandalizing curve of her waist and hip even more imposing. He was ashamed to admit that the curvaceous yet muscular body of hers, with strong thighs and arms, combined with the way she liked to dress up, whenever she wasn't heading for the fight, had given him an impression of an exotic dancer. At least he wouldn't have guessed her to be a Darth that everyone around her feared, even those who were closest to her.

The golden bits and pieces of her armor glimmered and the beads she'd threaded into her hair clinked. When Shan spoke, saying something utterly ridiculous about them not being defeated just yet, she turned to face him. For a moment her strange yellow eyes, with a thin round of red flames around them seemed to be golden as well.

A slight smile caressed her lips. They were full and inviting and she had an unnerving habit of biting her lower lip with her sharp corner teeth, which made her look both allusive and feral. Seeing and thinking of those lips had a habit of making blood to rush on his cheeks and... other places he'd rather not think right now. That might gave them an entirely wrong idea about the nature of the current situation.

It would be so easy to fall for such a woman even though it made no sense. Provided he had either time or intrest for anything but work. Which he didn't. He'd leave such distraction to those whom handled them with easiness and subtlety he somewhat envied.

They were born to be enemies, always on the opposite sides of the line of fire. Well, except now. And it didn't seem to trouble her at all. An allied person was just that, an ally, to her and a friend was a friend, simple as that.

He'd been prepared to fight his way out of that boiling soup Lana had cooked in Rishi. The Sith lord had dropped him into it like a crab, presuming he wouldn't notice the danger before it was too late. He had to admit, however begrudgingly, she'd hit quite close to home with that assumption.

He'd almost succeeded with the escape, when Nejeena suddenly appeared to the rescue like it was the most natural thing in the world, a glorified Darth saving him, the somewhat imperfect SIS agent who'd given her almost nothing but doubts along the way.

As she seemed to be genuinely concerned about his wellbeing, he'd felt a bang of shame. Her being a Sith shouldn't overrule all those observations he'd done from her behavior. And every single one of them told him the same story: she was loyal to the fault and would go to the great lengths to protect her friends.

Guess he was becoming one of the latter. Would wonders never cease.

Nejeena slandered Revan and they witnessed over the holo connection how he triggered a series of explosions in the base. Another wave of enemies poured in. Theron tried to run but he staggered. He felt hand sliding under his arm and circling behind his back. With surprising physical strength Nejeena supported him against her body.

_"Let's go."_

She grunted and slammed a barrier to stop the shots of attacking forces. With his free hand Theron shot every being that closed in. His eyesight was blurred and he could hear his heartbeat. Not usually a good sign. His legs slumped and the Sith groaned when most of his weight shifted on her.

She gathered her remaining powers and created a force storm into the doorway to either kill or slow down anyone who'd enter. Then she stopped and started to heal him. It might sound like pretty standard resolution to their situation but it bewildered Theron. She'd never healed anyone without complaints. Jakarro had asked her to heal him once, just to hear The Sith ranting how she was trained to do maximum damage, not to heal her companions who couldn't stand their ground. And besides, she sucked at healing so they'd better stay in fighting shape without her assistance in that department, she'd spat out.

It was a strange sensation, not like usual heal that was soothing and eased out the pain. This felt unnatural and dark, like she'd tried to threaten his body to recover faster, sucking his life force from other parts of his body. It hurt like hell but it helped. He might feel drained for days after this but at least he'd live to see another day.

They fought side by side: in a tight corridor she pushed her back against his to get more room for using her abilities. Theron glanced at her, waiting to see an expression of intense concentration or rage on but he saw serenity, almost happiness written on her face. He didn't have sensitivity to the force but he could've sworn it sang around her, like those who raised him had told it to do.

When they got out, fatigue set into his body and he could barely keep himself sitting on a duster Nejeena had brought. He had to cling to her, but she didn't seem to mind. When they reached their companions he was almost unconscious. Others carried him away and he slept longer than he'd done in months.

He remembered dreaming of golden eyes that gleamed as they watched over him in the darkness.


	6. I really want you to find that I am bitter and angry, that I'm no mother of a child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I really want you to hate me  
> I really want you to find  
> That I am bitter and angry  
> That I'm no mother of a child
> 
> I really want you to hate me  
> I really want you to find  
> That I am far from a lady  
> That I'm an animal inside
> 
> I really want you to hate me // Meg Myers

Theron had to admit the Sith _did_ get results, even if her methods were sometimes out of the box: asking directions from a ghost, setting enemy camps in fire with lightning or killing opposers with a flick of her fingers, dealing so much internal damage, they dropped without a fight. But as long as she was the one who insisted on protecting civilians and wildlife, much to Therons bafflement, he had no complaints.

So they worked together in order to defeat Revanites; After several short missions and dozens of fights they ended up chatting over drinks. It happened after the meeting with Master Satele and Darth Marr - _that_ being an unlikely alliance if there ever was one.

\---

When he had clung on her, feeling dizzy and trying to conform to the swift turns of Nejeenas duster, she'd winced at the weight he put onto her waist. Later he discovered she'd broken half a dozen ribs in the fight and dragged him to the safety nevertheless. A testament to the legendary resistance to pain Zabrak were said to have.

She had looked over her shoulder ever so swiftly.

_"Just that you know, you own me a drink, Shan."_

_\---_

He'd offered her a drink, few of them if glasses he filled himself counted, and told the Sith more about himself in a few hours than he'd ever thought to share with woman like her. Though she seemed to regret ever asking him about his relationship with his mother. Even so, when he'd started, it was like he couldn't stop jabbering about it, his latest reason of feeling hurt being so close.

_"She calls me her agent, like it's sheer coincidence we have the same name. Though it's not like Master Satele raised me, or likely we do any mother-son stuff. Just an odd way to refer to your kid, you know."_

The bottle he'd managed to find, for substitute for drinks, was almost empty. He felt slightly imbalanced but for a head or two shorter woman than him the Sith seemed to have quite a tolerance: she was sharp as ever. No drinking contests with her, he thought and snorted a little. Pffft, like _he'd_ do things like that either way.

_"I'm sorry Theron but I have to ask since I'm a bit confused: what do you need her for?"_

He leaned to the counter and furrowed his brows. Where was this line of questioning heading?

_"I mean she's your mother but we all need one. Does a tauntaun return for its dam to get its love and approval when it's no longer a pup? Does a droid, however intelligent it is or how rich and consistent personality it has, travel to see the machine that made it, to feel nostalgic and tender?"_

Right, this is why he didn't open up to anyone, ever.

_"You aren't seriously comparing this to some cases of wildlife behavior?"_

She'd probably drawn her eyebrows closer together had she had them. Even without them she managed to make an annoying move with her brows.

_"Let me finish this awfully long point of mine, will you? It's not like your mother issues are going anywhere."_

Okay, seconded, this was why he shouldn't talk about human interactions, or lack of them, with a harbinger of dark side.

_"If a high-ranking sith gets a baby but never shows any affection for it, using someone else as caregiver... That kid might try to impress their blood, the "real" parent when they grow older. But it's all in vain. A person who's ready to give up their child, not for they'd be monsters and ruin the lives of their kids but simply because they'd be on the way. Whether it's the parents own ambitions or serving "the greater good", it really doesn't matter._

_If one doesn't care to meet their children, raise them, get to know their personalities, quirks, faults, strengths, sorrows and moments of joy, they don't care for them as human beings when they are adults either._

_And the child... however badly they try to show their mother or father that they're worthy of their recognition... If they lose those who used to truly raise them: encourage, hug, teach, guide, even punish - but also sing them to sleep, their tears of loss are always reserved for those who took them under their wings, not the "real" parents."_

Theron remembered how he'd felt losing the man who'd trained him and been there for him, in his own Jedi-like way at least. He still measured his actions through thinking how Zho would react, mainly because he was the master he'd actually known, unlike his mother.

The Sith had stopped her monologue, likely to determine his reaction and weighing whether she should continue. Theron nodded at her to do so.

_"The sith I used as an real-life example, wants their child to achieve great things in their name. Not because that would give the child joy or love or sense of accomplishment. No, they want the child to repay them for merely giving a life for the baby they later abandoned._

_The child is a tool, an asset. Of course there's variations in the emotional coldness and inability of being a parent. Some might regret their absence and wonder, what their life might be, hadn't they left a vulnerable and defenseless kid behind. But that remorse doesn't really fix anything or make them better parents than that sith who really doesn't feel anything for their offspring. What's done is done, all the same._

_What remains is whether the child, now an adult with their own lives and dreams, can forgive their blood for leaving them behind; Can they accept the fact that their parents incompetence of taking care of them might've changed them but it doesn't have to define them? Can they focus into building a new life for themselves rather than seeking their parents attention?"_

Her words made sense. They usually did. She was nothing if not practical but the way she took apart every puzzle and handed out a resolution perfect and pure like a diamond but just as cold and impersonal, forgetting all the mixed feelings wrapped around the problem at hand... it irked him.

So his answer was neither fair or relevant and he hated himself a little for resorting into such response.

_"That's... kind of judgmental of you. What do you even know of being a parent anyway?"_

Nejeena stiffened. She seemed to consider leaving Therons company and his childish backlashes behind but then she relaxed and lowered her hand on his shoulder.

_"Sorry I poked your sore spot so hard. My social skills are just what you can expect from a woman whose family was slaughtered when she was a teenager, who ended in slavery and overcame the horrors of sith training. But was still hunted by her peers and superiors alike, swallowed ancient force ghosts to survive, almost died, again, healed herself with another ancient method, this time Rakatan. Somewhere along the road she killed her own master, hanged out with an overly serious yet quite passionate Jedi Padawan, a bloodthirsty Dashade, a scientist and eventually an apprentice of her own, built a powerbase and defeated a darth, raising to the Dark Council against all the odds. Not forgetting that she married an ill-tempered pirate with commitment issues and has been rebuilding a very messed up Empire ever since."_

Theron had to laugh at her notion.

_"We'll she surely sounds like a woman worth knowing."_

She gave him a genuine smile that would have usually made him stutter and leave in a hurry but drinking had relaxed him. Nejeena leaned closer to him, her hips almost touching his leg as she leaned to the table.

_"If I'll tell you something I haven't yet told anyone, can you keep a secret?"_

_"I used to be SIS, so I'd kinda sucked at my work if I couldn't."_

Theron retorted and she gave a shrug as an answer.

_"I was pregnant when I walked into my first fight with Thanaton. I lost the baby when I was beaten up quite royally. When I faces him the last time I risked everything: my husband, friends - had I lost they'd been killed. I endangered the power I had collected, and even my unborn child._

_But for that child I'd done everything. I'd given up anything I had to make her happy."_

Theron already knew most of these things about her through intelligence reports but her sharing them like this and adding a loss of a child into the equation made his heart ache for the Sith and respect her strength at the same time.

_"Her?"_

_"Well my apprentice had a vision - she's able to dream in such ways that force gives her glimpses of the future. All she's seen has come true... And she saw me carrying a child. Another vision of hers was about a daughter of mine, one who resembled the people of Dathomir. I think that was a daughter of Andronikos and it was a possible future that was destroyed when I walked into that ring."_

_"I'm sorry."_

Nejeenas eyes were locked in somewhere far beyond the room they stood in, maybe even farther than the word Theron knew.

_"Don't be. All I'm saying is that I don't have very high opinions of those who voluntarily give away their offspring, that's all."_

She kept a short pause and looked at him with an intense stare that started to feel like she saw right through him.

_"The people who work with you respect you. I'm sure your master believed you'd find your way, excelling at the duty of your choosing._

_You are clearly loyal, strong and determined, even though you lack perspective and long term plans at times. If I'd be able to judge such thing, or moreover care about that kind of nonsense, I'd say you're a good man._

_I've survived all the shit I've been through only because I've known my own value. You could start recognizing your own."_

Would she believe if he'd told her, Darth Imperius, a force-walker, woman who bragged about how distant, rational and cold-blooded she was, that she had just said the most beautiful and honest things he'd ever heard about himself. No-one had ever given him such recognition as a human, or a man, all the praise had always been about his achievements and successful missions.

\---

Later that night, lying in his bed he tried remember the exact phases that led to the following events. To spot an error in his ways, to avoid such things from happening ever again. Or so he told himself. Reminiscing it could have anything to do with neither how glorious it had felt nor how likely it was to never happen again.

He'd turned to face her and seen that strange, knowing look, almost like an endless void had waited right beyond his reach, behind her alien eyes. He had touched her cheek with another hand, twisting his fingers towards her neck, another hand pulling her body closer.

She had stiffened but swiftly adapted to the change of situation and supported herself, wrapping her hands around his waist. His mouth was on her lips then, brushing and seeking and she kissed him back more firmly. His lips turning involuntarily into a smile and having to close his eyes to hide whatever she'd seen had he kept them open. The kiss was a short one, soft but full of possibilities, yet such a fleeting moment he could've considered it to be a figment of his imaginary. He didn't push them forward and she didn't pull him closer to her and they parted soon after she'd welcomed his advances. Too soon, said a voice in his head and he hushed it.   
  
She had raised her brow and pivoted around, readying herself to leave the room.  
  
_"I'll see you around?"_

Nejeena asked before she made her exit.  
  
_"Sure."_  


 


	7. Stop making the eyes at me, I'll stop making my eyes at you, what it is that surprises me is that I don't really want you to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stop making the eyes at me,  
> I'll stop making my eyes at you.  
> What it is that surprises me is that I don't really want you to
> 
> And your shoulders are frozen (as cold as the night)  
> Oh, but you're an explosion (you're dynamite)  
> Your name isn't Rio, but I don't care for sand and lighting  
> The fuse might result in a bang b-b-bang-go
> 
> I wish you'd stop ignoring me because it's sending me to despair,  
> Without a sound yeah you're calling me and I don't think it's very fair
> 
> I bet you look good on a dance floor / Arctic Monkeys

They'd been planning their next move that would take place on Yavin4 after they'd wrapped things up in Rishi until late, and she'd barely had time to fall asleep before a strange noise from the door had waken her up. The clock was way over midnight, in the later half of the small hours: it took a moment until she'd shake off the thick and heavy blanket of sleep from her body and mind. She was definitely too quick to end up in a sopor, considering the never-ending line of dangers waiting to sneak up on her. She didn't even have her usual light-sleeping pirate companion, ready to jump for his blasters when someone as much as sneezed in the hallway of the base, sleeping beside her.

Did someone just knock? Or was it a dream? Maybe it was Andronikos?

He was supposed to be in the farthest parts Rishi for few weeks still, building them connections amongst both pirates and smugglers, and leaving warrants for certain artifacts, just in case people in there  would stumble upon them. Those items might be dangerous in their hands, but useful to her. Nik had learned it the hard way, considering what one of those had done to his former crew. That kind of work, earning trust again with old friends, to-go-guys and acquaintances always took time, and certainly a lot of drinks, some shooting and sleeping with the right women in power.

If he'd decided to leave early she wouldn't complain. It wasn't like she couldn't get company for hitting the bar or warm her bed. In the terms of their marriage both of those activities were allowed, even encouraged if that made them happy. But her husband was her best friend, the lover who knew her kinks and sensitive spots better than anyone and she missed simply sleeping beside him, talking to him about the mundane things and the casual way they exchanged cherishes whenever they bumped into each other.

They had to exchange messages very discreetly and try to avoid someone intercepting them and cracking their code. She smirked. That would be hard since their code wasn't based on any known code-system but replaced all the key information with hints of things that had happened to them in the past years. In his last message he had promised to deliver her a present when he returned so Nejeena hurried to the door.

When she opened it she didn't see Nik but Theron Shan. The feeling that creeped into her body at the sight wasn't disappointment, it was a confusing mix of regret for him not being her husband, whom she'd wished to see and an intrigued surprise upon seeing him at such a late hour.

_"Don't just stand there, come in. I'm halfway naked and I'd rather avert traumatizing some poor, innocent prude walking past."_

She said, realizing he'd keep on changing his weight from one feet to another on her doorstep if she didn't ask him to enter. Republicans, that lot had a terrible reserve of pointless manners!

\---

Nejeena might not have considered her outfit to be more revealing than _halfway naked_ but in Therons opinion it wasn't even an outfit. She wore the thinnest possible nightgown, made of practically see-through silky material of some sort. And nothing else. The nightdress was red just as her skin and its hem ended right under her apparently hairless nethers, showing off a little butt when she turned around and beckoned him to close the door behind him.

He could see every curve of her body, not that the outfits she otherwise preferred left much room for the imagination. Muscles were visible in the small of her back. Long scars and shorter cuts drew a map of battlegrounds, conquests, caves filled with creatures of darkness, their claws marking her, places of loss and defeat, signs of slavery and ruthless Sith training on her body.

He'd admired the way she carried those scars many times before. She'd said every scar told a story to those wishing to rise against her: many had tried to kill her before, but none had succeeded.

Her butt was lush yet under all the sofness there was clearly a considerable strength, same as in her thighs. The Sith had removed the tight clothing she usually supported her almost imposing breasts with: her nipples and dark red aerolas were clearly visible.

Therons mouth dried when Nejeena took her time to scan him from head to toe. He felt suddenly very self-conscious, wearing only the more casual pants of his, those with lots of handy pockets in them, and a sleeveless, white shirt that he was supposed to sleep in. Tucked in his own bed, in his own quarters. _That_ would be wise, whereas _this_...

Nejeenas fingers were on his throat, and her hands went their separate ways, both sliding over one collarbone, making a round over his wide shoulders, sliding ever so gently downwards, caressing his arms, his chest and stopping to admire the curves of his pectorals.

Therons pulse thrummed in his ears, his breath got shallow but Nejeenas hands continued their ways, coming closer to each other as they slid down on his stomach and sides. When they went past his navel, following the hairline that started there and continued their exploration still, he made an involuntary noice. He jerked a little when her slightly cold fingertips reached under the waistband of his trousers, teasing with the skin just underneath it.

Nejeena stopped. He'd closed his eyes the moment she had laid her searching hand on him but now he had to open them. He wasn't sure whether he should have been in awe of the sight before him of terrified of the effects it had on him. He felt like he had considerable trouble fitting into his underwear already as it was.

Her nipples had grown significantly, the tone of her face has deepened and her lips were slightly parted. Theron could've sworn he sensed an entirely new scent. It was alluring, not overly sweet, more like little salty. He hadn't ever heard of a female oozing such a seductive aroma yet he could feel it filling his head.

Theron gave out a loud huff, like he'd been holding his breath for a while. He was sure that Nejeena could see all of his remaining control melting away, no, more like it snapped all in once like a tree in a storm.

He grabbed her waist and turned her around, pushing her against the wall. She moved against him, raising to her tiptoes and rubbing her ass into the front of his pants earning a muffled sound from him. Theron kept his other hand locked on her side and dropped his pants down unceremoniously, kicking them away, his underwear and shirt following them soon.

He grabbed her boobs from behind, fondling her nipples through her nightgown. Therons hands trembled. He wanted to touch her breasts without even the thinnest layer between her skin and his hands. He yanked the nightgown away from her and squeezed her soft breasts so hard she whimpered. He twisted Nejeenas nipples and she moved herself so that his throbbing member slid between her thighs.

Theron gasped. The small slit between her thick thighs was wet, her opening letting her juices trickle out slowly. Nejeena moved back and forth, teasing him as his cock was rubbed against her wet skin. Theron was shaking, the pressure started to build in his center but he didn't want to climax yet so he pulled away, panting.

Nejeena saw her chance and changed her position so that she faced him. Theron had still trouble looking into her eyes, since he was wondering what him giving up into temptation would cost him later. He'd once joked about imploding, had he kissed an imp and now he was about to... Shit, she had that thoughtful look on her face, like she was trying to figure out why Theron avoided her gaze.

_"Ow."_

He'd bitten her, so hard it would leave marks. Then he turned her forcefully back against the wall. As he did that, she turned her head so much that she could reach his arm and bite back. He jumped a little when her sharp canines pierced his skin slightly.

He slid his fingers between her legs, searching and finding her sensitive areas. They were unlike what human females had: less layers of skin, easier access inside, her entrance curving even slightly outwards and what he assumed to be the spot of her pleasure was generally bigger and shaped differently. He kept her at place with his other hand, his mouth nipping her neck with his teeth.

Theron pushed two fingers inside her, starting to penetrate her with them at a slow pace, third finger rubbing on the outside. After a while her legs started to shake. At that point all of his self control had been burned to dust. He lifted her on the table, thrusting himself inside of her almost instantly.

She made an unintelligible noice and Therons vision blurred for a while, little sparks of light flying behind his eyelids. Nejeena had closed her eyes and her breasts were moving, back and forth, even little sideways as he fucked her. Her walls were squeezing around him, feeling so clenched, so tight, so incredibly...

The Sith spasmed around him, one longer round at first, and then several faster ones, her mouth opening and a yawn of pleasure escaping her lips. Her nails dug into his back and left traces on it as she dragged them along his skin when she came. Her cunt milking his dick made it harden even more, the tip tightening and the pressure being almost painful; He could not help but release himself into her, dreaded to realize he was calling her name as he came.

He used his last remaining stamina to carry her on a nearby bed and slumped on the edge of it, all spent, his mind so empty but clear: he couldn't remembered when he'd felt so serene the last time. He breathed in her scent, his fingers still covered in all sorts of drying liquids, smelling the same than his randy dreams felt like.

Nejeena was breathing heavily beside him and as he glanced at her, in all her naked glory, legs still open, hair disheveled, few unruly straws wrapped around her horns, she was a divine sight. He could just lie here and take in the feeling of...

Panic started to rise inside of Theron. His palms sweating, stomach turning and head feeling like it would broke out of his chest; He had to get out, away from her, leaving behind all these feelings, things he'd done to her and wanted to do to her still. He jumped on his feet, snatching his slacks and pulling them up, sliding into his top as he pushed through the door and rushed in the empty corridors until he reached his own room.

His room was still empty, just like he'd left it but Theron was so filled with doubts, regrets. He couldn't quite grasp that he'd actually done... her. But he was also ever so tired and the chaos in his head overwhelmed him only shortly before he fell asleep.

 

.


	8. And I'll use you as a warning sign, that if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And I'll use you as a warning sign  
> That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind  
> And I'll use you as a focal point  
> So I don't lose sight of what I want
> 
> And I've moved further than I thought I could  
> But I missed you more than I thought I would  
> And I'll use you as a warning sign  
> That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind
> 
> And I'll use you as a makeshift gauge  
> Of how much to give and how much to take  
> Oh I'll use you as a warning sign  
> That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind
> 
> And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be  
> Right in front of me  
> Talk some sense to me
> 
> Amber Run / I Found

Theron cared too much.

That’s what the Jedi Masters had said to him, back then when they still believed he _had_ to have a connection to the Force as a birthright. One might think that the most obvious birthright is having at least one parent, rather than carrying an inherited ability to use some mystified power. But he got nothing: neither that gift nor parents.

For a long time he was told his emotions controlled him whereas he should’ve controlled them. That he cared so much it held him back, made it harder or impossible for him to tap into the Force, kept his talent dormant. So he tried not to care; When he was just a boy he cried for the bird he found dead on the ground. But he did that hidden in the woods. He would have needed comfort, safety, support and encouragement but got emotional coldness and attempts to harden him - too fast and too soon.

Growing older he felt sadness ripping him apart when some of the older Jedi never returned after a mission or when his childhood friends were accepted into advanced training and he was constantly, krething always the one who got left behind. He didn’t cry anymore but he could not let go either, without feeling envy, regret, sorrow. Theron wished someone would show him compassion, tell that it was a natural thing to grieve,  but it would pass. Instead of that the melancholy had a habit of staying as a lasting guest of his, because he never learned how to say proper goodbyes.

For his whole life Theron had to push various feelings aside instead of talking about them and so he strived to survive alone in the turmoil that was his mind. Most of the days he did it seemingly with ease but he also felt like a fraud. Under the semblance of a composed and professional man, who never ended up as a halfway decent Jedi but an excellent agent, was still one layer over another, a boy, a teenager, a physically grown up human, each and every one of them afraid of their feelings and equally unaware of what to do with them.

As a SIS operative he had cared about his fellow agents and losing them on the missions hurt him more than it seemed to affect the others around him. He put the blame on himself whenever possible if something went amiss. And if things were unfair or someone got treated badly the cold rage he felt inside scared him. Sometimes he was almost happy he was blind, numb and deaf towards the Force. Had he been Force sensitive, he’d turned to the Dark Side because he could not control his thoughts and urges and feelings, like he supposed everyone else around him could. Or so he had convinced himself.

But then he had met Nejeena, a woman who wore her love, lust, anger, resentment, even failures right up on her sleeve. She thrived when she was furious, burnt brighter around her loved ones, brought both battlemasters and ancient enemies on their knees as tears rolled from her eyes. Yet she didn’t seem to be corrupted. She was rational, harsh, unconditional, unyielding yes, but not a lunatic. Not even a worse person than some of those who were supposedly more in control of their lives, based on the way they suppressed their emotional side.

His harsh and coarse skin had started shedding when Nejeena was around. During those weeks and months they'd spent together, seeing each other every day, whether they wanted or not, cramped in small spaces and fighting side by side, she had seen Theron more clearly than anyone in years. Nejeena had a way of treating people like puzzles she wanted to solve. In order to do that she attempted to make him angry, urged him to laugh and pushed the topics he needed to avoid out in the open. Theron tried to fight back, cling to the rules he’d been tought were right: necessary if he was to feel safe, to stay in control. He shouldn't reveal his weaknesses to enemy.

At the same time he felt more alive than he remembered feeling in a decade, at least; Nejeena was like a drug to him and he could not tell whether she was a medicine or a poison. However he had to admit he was addicted to her. He wanted to break apart, to be set free, even if he wasn't sure, what sort of man would crawl out of the place he'd been locked in for so long. That being said, no matter how much he tried to avoid running into her after that night they had collided, he found himself circling in her orbit. Only leaving Rishi and flying away from her had helped for a moment.

But that night, after he had arrived to the fourth moon of the red gas giant, which surface was covered in endless, thick, tropical forests, old temples and villages that had crumbled down centuries ago, he saw her again. Even though their other, unexpected allies were there too, she was the only thing he had eyes for, had heart for. He could not wait for them to wrap up the meeting with the Grand Master and Darth Marr.

He lost half of the details of the plan as he was pacing just a little on his foothold, all too eager to... _What exactly he was wishing to accomplish?_ The last time he'd seen her he had panicked and ran away from her. Considering it, he should be lucky if she didn't decide to shock him and leave him spasming and drooling into the jungle.

After the meeting he lost her. Theron stood there in the darkness, near her ship, swearing under his breath. He was supposed to be the agent, master of stealth and sneaking and that damned Sith had evaded him. He was to leave and accept his defeat when someone touched his shoulder. Theron turned around abruptly, only to meet the yellow eyes that looked very different than an average pair of human eyes, reflecting the last remaining light of the nightfall.

_"Looking for something?"_

The Zabrak asked. Her tattoos were in strong contrast with her skin in this lightning and she looked very alien all of a sudden. But was she beautiful, her lips curving to form a smile he'd once guessed to be cruel, but he'd learned to know better since. The golden parts in her usual light armot glimmered and Theron knew the truth was written clear as a day on his face. So no point in hiding it.

_"You actually."_

He said and was rewarded with a long, low laughter of hers. A happy, clueless sound: almost like they weren't supposed to throw everything they had against a possibly impossible enemy, only few days later.

_"Oh, that was an awfully honest answer."_

_"Are you disappointed, Sith?_

_"No, delighted. It's very tiresome to always interpret the words of those who like to speak with allegories or quotes from the vague predictions."_

He could picture a huge room, in which every Darth sat on their separate thrones, solemnly discussing matters of doom and gloom. Some would be more rash and mad than others, those who ruled with deception and plotted against each other, always ready to slit their throats. And balancing herself between the fractions, a slave, an alien amidst the humans and the Sith pureblood, was the woman facing him right now. The mere thought was enough to make him feel a little vertiginous.

_"I wanted to talk to you."_

_"About?"_

Nejeena asked. She still seemed relaxed, leaning a little on her left hip, body slightly curved as she sifted her weight on that leg, her hand playing with the necklace that also kept her top fastened up.

_"Or actually apologize. My behavior wasn't proper, leaving like that after..."_

_"Agent Shan. I live with a runaway padawan, a soul-eating dashade, a blood-thirsty apprentice I can barely keep in check and I'm married to a pirate captain with passionate heart but horrible manners. I have a habit of surrounding myself with people who are never behaving properly. There's no need to apologize."_  
  
That made him grin. She had a good, solid point right in there. Nejeena slid her hands along his arms, making him to close his eyes briefly, his mouth drying. She shouldn't affect him like this. He shouldn't want her this much and all the tightness in his chest, that was very much out of question. He'd failed in... Suddenly he realized Nejeena was talking about something so he opened his eyes and forced himself to concentrate in her words rather than her hands mapping his body.

_"I’m giving you few options. We can keep on doing what we started, for the time being. It is inevitable that your career and my destiny, as some people around me like to phrase it, will make us go our different ways sooner rather than later. But as long as we work together, a little shagging shouldn’t hurt anyone. But if you think that us ending up into bed ...like maybe that one time was a mistake or mishap, I won’t be offended. That is the first set of options: take it or shake it."_

Theron liked the sound of that. Very much so. He'd take it, no questions asked. Whatever he would tell himself, trying to fool his mind that tried to convince him to be sensible, mislead his rational self long enough to sin again, Theron knew he'd be hers to use.

_"What's the second one then?"_

_"You are allowed to care."_

Therons heart skipped a beat. Then another. And third. He had to take a deep breath to get his body in check. It was crazy: this woman he should’ve tried to kill a while back, maybe still should, had he asked those that were higher in the command chain, that she found the words he truly needed to hear. Her eyes were like yellow gold, sunflowers, that sweet honeylike tasting fruit on Rishi, and he listened her every word now, carefully, like every verse was some long forgotten poetry.

_"I felt like I should make it clear for you. I've had my fair share of dalliances and only some of those people I've had sex with I've also loved - they've been specisl to me: my friends, people I adore and respect greatly. Whereas some of them haven't meant more than the physical release and pleasure have required. It feels fair to note that you have the very same chance. If you're willing to give this... whatever this is, some ulterior meanings of your own, if you've learned to care about me, even a little, that's completely natural. We are not machines. Not feeling is like being dead. So I don't wish that you'd feel obliged to consider this affair to be simply business or a clinical act."_

Nejeena was so close, birds singing in the trees, the noises of the wild beasts echoing in the night. Her body was as curvy and tempting as it had been for quite some time for him and he could not keep up the exact speed of his thinking, talking, evading anymore. And so he fell into the orbit of hers and started to prepare for an inevitable impact. His hands grabbed her neck and she rose to her toes to kiss him. It was longer than any of the few kisses they'd shared before. His body was thrumming, yearning for more than just their mouths brushing against each other, but some part of him wanted to linger, to cherish this like he'd known this was it, the last time he'd be allowed to hold her like this.

Her tongue searched his mouth, Therons hands wandering to her waist, lifting her up a little so that they'd be able to kiss without her losing her balance. Her waist pushed against him, making his physical reaction to their ministrations well known for both of them. When she broke off the kiss, both of them were a little breathless. When Theron opened his eyes Nejeenas eyes were like small suns in the lifeless space and he wanted to fly straight into the inferno, never minding it would likely to be end of him. She kissed his neck, hands mapping the lines of his backside, then his sides, back, arms and all the way down his stomach. His breath hitched and he pulled away a little.

_"Maybe we should mo-ve to som-someplace less... public?"_

He stuttered. She smiled. It was a genuine yet randy expression and she took his hand and pulled him after her. She dragged him through the jungle, so long Theron started to wonder if they'd find their way back at all. But then the trees thinned out and he could see the Yavin reflecting so much light, the clearing bathed in the red hue. Nejeenas skin looked ethereal in the crimson light and when he managed to look around instead of her, he saw that in the middle of the clearing was a pond.

Nejeena stripped off her armor unceremoniously and walked armpit-deep into the water. As she receded, shadows playing on the curve of her rear and highlighting her lush figure, Theron felt something sewing a web, a knot inside him. It was almost painful: longing, need, affections, all twisted in a rigged edge made of the forbidden feelings. It was cutting through his insides as he tried to push it away, to defend the vulnerable parts of him, to persuade himself into believing that ravel of emotions didn't even exist.

But then he heard her words and they were like an absolution for him, for being him, feeling like this - feeling  _anything_ he wished to. Letting go.

_You are allowed to care._

He undressed swiftly and walked after her. Nejeena was waiting for him, the water looking pale pink in this peculiar lightning, the skin on her breasts on goosebumps as the wind had been blowing to them, her lips still a little swollen after their kissing and he strided the last few steps that divided them and clashed against her, almost making her fall into the water. Theron waded even deeper and Nejeena wrapped her shorter, stronger legs around his waist. They kissed, not breaking the contact even when he stumbled to something in the bottom of the pool. The water was surprisingly warm but the woman who nestled against him was even warmer.

Theron searched for her nethers, rubbing her with his hand, sliding his fingers inside her in order to moisturize her. Nejeena closed her eyes, biting her lower lip with her canines just slightly. The water was dripping from her hair, leaving ripples on the surface. When she seemed to be on the edge, he slid himself inside her with ease, like he belonged entwined together with her and she arched herself a little so that he could kiss her breasts above the surface. Merging subsurface like this slowed things down, making their coming together feeling airy and unreal rather than colliding, but still all things had to come to their end eventually.

Judging by the way Nejeenas mouth had opened into a voiceless scream before her eyes fluttered halfway closed, a content look spreading on her face, bringing him into this immensely beautiful place had been worth it. He hated himself for pulling away from her so that he could carry her ashore, holding her close so long that her feet almost touched the thin rim of sand that surrounded the pond. She looked at him, unreadable expression on her face and slipped into her clothes as swiftly as she'd gotten rid of them. Theron followed the suit, pushing away the sense of finality that tried to invite his recurrent visitor, the constant melancholy into this moment. He wanted to cherish this as long as possible, his feet dragging a little as they returned to the ship. 

The ramp of Fury had been left open, a ray of light escaping its closed door. Nejeena climbed up but turned just before she slipped inside and smiled at him. Then she was gone. The planet over them had been covered by clouds a while ago and now his dual suns had fallen behind his horizon too. He was well aware that someone was likely to welcome her back inside the ship: a friend, a lover, a husband. For some reason it didn't make him feel bitter; Nejeena had given him this night, a moment of freedom, feeling whole.

He knew he'd always remember how she'd looked like she'd been illuminated by the red night that had been entirely theirs. No matter what happened in the days or years to come.

 


	9. I've gone through life white-knuckled: in the moments that left me behind, refusing to heed the yield I penetrate the force fields in the blind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've gone through life white-knuckled  
> In the moments that left me behind  
> Refusing to heed the yield  
> I penetrate the force fields in the blind  
> They say I'll adjust  
> God knows I must  
> But I'm not sure how  
> This natural selection picked me out to be  
> A dark horse running in a fantasy
> 
> Somewhere outside that finish line  
> I square up and break through the chains  
> And I hit like a raging bull  
> Anointed by the blood, I take the reins  
> Cut from the cloth, of a flag that  
> Bears the name of "Battle Born"  
> They'll call me the contender  
> They'll listen for the bell  
> With my face flashing crimson from the fires of hell
> 
> What are you afraid of?  
> And what are you made of?  
> Flesh and bone  
> And I'm running out of time,  
> Flesh and bone  
> Man, I'm turning on a dime,  
> Flesh and bone
> 
> Flesh and bone / The Killers

The chain of events that had started in Manaan, or even before it, finally culminated as they could face Revan himself, instead of battling a seemingly endless stream of his crazed followers, rushing into the fight, wishing to make some sort of religious sacrifices out of themselves. Sadly this face-off wasn’t going so well for Darth Imperius and her allies; Their attempts to push through had been somewhat successful until they got yanked near the Revan all together, the sudden, irresistible pull interrupting their attacks. And right after that they were thrown away with such force it slammed them to the edges of the battlefield.

Only Nejeena was still standing and Theron could’ve sworn he saw three transparent, flickering figures looming next to her. The force ghosts he remembered hearing vaguely about, those who had wanted to stay with her even after she’d defeated Darth Thanaton, some of fhem might've also joined her since. He wasn't entirely sure as Lana had mentioned this only briefly. She'd drawn their power to dodge the cages made of the Force that now held the others captives. This was the first time he'd seen her tapping into this reserve of power, he realized. If she'd made it this far without using this cache of power of hers, what else the Sith had in store, hidden up in her sleeve?

While Theron was caught in some sort of unnatural whirlwind and struggled to free himself, knowing well it was a pointless cause, he cursed every Force user into the darkest depths of ancient tombs of the long forgotten Sith Lords - may they rot in peace. No matter what he tried he was stuck, and Revans continuous attacks started to take their toll on him. The stims he used to keep him in a fight ran out one by one and he closed his eyes. _This was it then_ , he’d never watch the day of the three suns from the orbit again. His lips would never merge with those red ones that hid sharp canine teeth behind them…

The feeling of being ripped apart stopped. His ears were still ringing and every bone and muscle in his body hurt but he was still alive. He opened his eyes cautiously only to realize he was inside a big, glowing barrier that shielded him from the constant pulses of violent energy still aimed at him and their other allies.

Nejeena was trying to reach Lana, who was closest to her, pinned against a pillar. And when Beniko was free, she surely didn't waste any time: the Sith Lord sprinted and got Marr out of his own prison and soon the huge Darth, wielding his lightsaber helped master Satele to escape Revans control as well. They protected themselves with barriers, circling their enemy and trying to find a way to rush in and strike, as Revan continued bringing down destruction all around the battlefield.

Theron felt useless in such fight. He couldn't find cover or sneak closer because their opponent had such a vast amount of power he was able to strike all around the area aimlessly. What's the point in hiding if your target can terrorize almost an entire battlefield with his abilities? What good does a paralyzing agent or a taser do if one can't get close enough to make a mark? Strength, speed or martial arts helped very little with a foe who could shake the ground under their feet. Theron knew he could work wonders in smaller environments: underground bases, spaceships or inside almost any building that supported the fighting style of his choosing.

There was no time for meditation even though it was a trick that had saved him numerous times and would have helped tremendously with pain. He had several electrical burns on his body, more than few ribs were broken and he probably had concussion after one surge of power had slammed him against one of the numerous pillars surrounding the area.

The barrier around him blinked a little and died out with a blinding flash. He'd been fighting with Nejeena long enough to close his eyes for half a second, in order to maintain his eyesight. This was hardly the first time she'd used part of her power to keep him safe. It was an unnerving thought he'd kept pushing away. He didn't know how he'd even feel about the implications hidden behind his observations so he'd chosen to ignore them. Being thrown into one practically hopeless fight after another had made it quite easy so far.

Jakarro lied on the ground, but Theron could hear his droid babbling still as he tried to reach them. Satele was unconscious but Marr shielded her, which he found to be peculiar. Lana was pushing towards Revan, even paler than usual, legs trembling, a grimace of determination and perservance on her face. Her hair was like a golden halo around her head and Theron realized there was such purity in the way she channeled the Force he'd rarely seen such grace and certainty in any Jedi. Yet another baffling line of thought he didn't wish to follow.

Vizla was down. Probably not dead but unconscious and out of the game. They'd all be dead soon enough if they wouldn't.... Electricity crackled in the air. A low rumble echoed from somewhere behind Revan and he stumbled as the lightning blast hit his side. Revan had been evading every attack so far but now it seemed Nejeena had ripped, not a small hole but a sizable tear into his invisible defenses. And someone making him look not-so-undownable made him simply furious.

Lana charged in, dodging the bolts Revan showered all over. Nejeena was pushing forward, her face in a grimace and body shaking. For a fraction of a second their eyes locked and never before Theron had seen such an honest expression on her face. It was a shame he had no idea what she was trying to communicate with it. When this strange energy was still flowing between them Revan collected all his remaining power, into a desperate attempt of destroying them all at once. Nejeena reached out just a little, shielding him from the resulting blast with a barrier right before the shock wave swept over her, hammering the battlefield and their allies, and left her lying to ground, still and disconcertingly inanimate.

Revan being defenseless now Lana, Marr and Satele, who had already recovered, struck him down. Theron tried to take few unsure steps towards Nejeena but his knees gave up and all he could see was the stonework of the plaza coming closer and closer.


	10. Wake up and shake off the dust, the world is waiting, first light, ready your eyes - a new day breaking: there's no divide it's all in our minds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wake up and shake off the dust  
> The world is waiting  
> First light, ready your eyes  
> A new day breaking  
> Theres no divide it's all in our minds  
> Static in the air, static in the air  
> Fill up the void and shut off the noise
> 
> Oh no, never let go  
> Let the flames burn higher  
> Theres no divide, it's all in our minds  
> Static in the air, static in the air  
> We’ve heard the cry so burn up the sky
> 
> You could choose to spend your years  
> All alone and disappear  
> But I'm not, no I'm not  
> You can try to fade away  
> But no one wants to fade away  
> Oh no, oh no
> 
> Universe electric / Angie Miller

Theron knew he'd been one of the best agents in the SIS, probably still was but on his worst days his fellow agents had called him _'the SIS disaster'_. And rightfully so, he had to admit begrudgingly. One of those days he had dropped things, tripped over his feet, falling to his face, had rodians flirting at him and gotten poop of a giant meat-eating bird lizard into his hair. This was one of those days too, he decided, lying in a small house that apparently served as a field hospital. An unknown Jedi was patching him up yet there was something familiar in her eyes. They reminded him of someone...

_"Good, you're awake. You Shans are clearly sturdy and resilient people. I'm Sancrias Surro. Grand Master Satele assigned me to take care of your treatment after she'd assured you hadn't suffered any major injuries._

_"Any relations to Master Surro?"_

_"Bet you are getting quite a few of those questions too when people hear your name, right?"_

The woman said and Theron realized he was quilty for doing just the same thing he hated when he was at the receiving end of them. He smiled apologetically.

_"But yes, I'm her daughter."_

Theron was slightly surprised Master Surro had a child. He'd met her briefly couple of times in the past years. She was leading the strike force of the Jedi and left an impression of an indimitating woman who demanded respect. A little Sith-like even. But he wouldn't share his characterization with her daughter though.

_"Where am I?"_

Theron asked. During their search for the temple he hadn't seen this kind of houses from the air but they were likely still on Yavin4 and the jungle had just hidden the encampment from those eyes that were looking the area from above.

_"This is a small, old Massasi village we've used as a hideout for a while. The Republic hasn't abandoned Yavin4 entirely and neither has the Empire. And when I'm saying we, I mean a small force of the Jedi, our mission being supporting Master Satele in whatever she sees worthy of pursuing."_

Theron had a persistent, nagging feeling he was supposed to be someplace else. Like he was missing something important. He'd once forgotten his communications device back to their base while he was on a crucial mission and this felt similar. But he was still drained and disorientated...

_"How long I've been out?"_

_"Not long. Maybe three hours. It took your party some time to transport your injured here, there's no landing place in the imminent vicinity of this remote base and over an hour for you to wake up. Your mot... Master Satele surely keeps interesting company these days."_

The younger Surro had a thoughtful expression on her face and Theron noticed her hair might've been just as unruly as her mothers hadn't she cut it short.  
  
_"Such as?"_

_"Well she flew in here with a huge rookie who had few broken limbs and what seems to be a droid head attached into his torso, a hardened Mandalorian warrior with several lightsaberwounds..."_

The last year started to come back slowly. The treasonous Darth Arkous and Rian Darok. Manaan, Rakata machines, Jakarro, pirates on Rishi, discovering the scale of Revanite activity inside both Republic and Imperial forces. Mandalorian fighting arena, Massasi warriors...

_"...some of the Jedi even claim to have seen Darth Marr accompanying that strange blond woman who carried the dying Zabrak into one of the healing houses. But that's unlikely. I know there's been a delicate truce between the usual players of the game, in order to solve more severe and imminent crisis but a Darth strolling around in the very base of this operation seems far fetched at best - hey! Where are you going! Shan! Get back! I haven't released you yet!"_

The rest of it rushed back. Lanas calm and calculative presence, Darth Marr and his mother becoming part of the mission. And finally Nejeena. She'd invaded his thoughts, both his awake and unconscious, way too often lately. So how could he forget her now? What if she would not make it? If she was already gone? Therons heart beated like those huge machines that forced girders into the ground on building sites. His running was wobbly but somehow he managed to stumble into the right house. One of those moments he wondered whether the Force sometimes quided even those who could not hear its call.

Master Satele was hovering over Nejeena. The amount of blood on the bed, floor, Sateles clothes... It was nauseating but as he slumped on the floor near the bed he could see Nejeenas chest rising in steady rhythm, only weakly but still giving him hope.

_"Theron, what in the name of the Force?"_

Older Shan said. For the briefest moment her calm veneer cracked and there was confusion, worry and even little anger in her eyes. She had surely heard the rumors, that agent Shan was sleeping with the enemy, in a very literal sense. Seeing him like this, worried, hurrying to see the woman who was supposedly merely a makeshift ally of a sort, probably verified those rumors. And it would seem it made her both concerned and disappointed.

_"How is she?"_

Theron asked, dodging Sateles question deliberately. The Jedi Master huffed but then she straightened up and washed her hands in a bucket full of water. 

_"She's going to live."_

_"Have you informed her husband? He's been on a separate mission, taking care of some of the usual duties belonging to Nejee... Darth Imperius. But he has a right to be by her side."_

Satele furrowed her brows. It seemed she had forgotten that Sith might have relationships outside of short screws. That they might even get married and commit to someone. Theron figured out she'd surely get to the point where she'd soon grasp that her son had been banging a married woman. He could not pretend he cared very much of her opinion.  
  
_"Marr has taken care of it. It will take some time for him to get the message and travel here but he's undoubtedly on his way soon."_

Lana said. The Sith Lord had been hiding in the shadows, observing their exchange like she wanted to see how Theron would handle facing his mother. Theron nodded at her, feeling grateful that someone had looked after Nejeenas interests. She'd want Revel here. She'd made it very clear in the passing months he was the most important thing in her life and the primal objective of hers was to keep him safe. Whether the pirate liked the idea or not.

_"She's a good woman."_

Theron said to the wall behind his mother. Satele seemed to wait for some sort of an explanation even if Theron felt he didn't own her anything. Lana exited the building. Theron wished to know where she was heading and when he'd see her again. How they would get Nejeena out of here? She could not stay long, she would not stay long. He hoped she wouldn't have to fight her way out when the Jedi surrounding her figured out who Masten Satele had been treating.

_"She's a Sith!"_

_"I'm well aware of that. But she's given me no reason to believe otherwise. She works restlessly to build a better Empire for the people living under her ruling and trying to save this bloody galaxy. Just... just heal her and be done with it. When it's done, get off my case."_

He said and stormed out.

\---

If Nejeena hadn't been so heavily drugged she'd jumped a little when she opened her eyes and met the icy blue stare of Master Satele.

_"Don't move. We've done what we can to save you but your body needs time to heal and adapt to the new tissue and mended bones."_

Satele said. Her voice was calm but her presence in the Force was smaller, dimmer than usual. Like she'd used a little too much of her power. Nejeena had to wonder whether that was due to their recent battle of had she used that much energy to heal her. And if she had, why would she do something like that.

_"Why did you save him?"_

The older Shan looked at her with a piercing way that had to run in a family, like she'd record her every word and move to collect intelligence about her. Something in her voice and body language told Nejeena that Satele felt entitled to get her answer.

Yet Nejeena didn't say anything. Really, would they have this talk? Now of all times. And did she even care, after all these years?

Unlike some might think, she was able to tell when the things she said crossed the line. It was a foolish presumption anyway - there's no way anyone who was anything but virtuous at reading people could manage to become, and stay, a member of the Dark Council. One might be a psychopath and succeed in that yes, but socially inept? Never.

Shockingly, metaphorically so, those who liked to picture her like some sort of caricature of a crazed villain, she even cared about that. At least when she interacted with those she liked. That wasn't the case now though, so she chose to be blunt, knowing it could result in one of the three possible outcomes - or all of them.

Nejeena had been nothing but professional when she'd dealt with Satele before. But it had been business and the Grand Masters own question implied this was more of a personal matter. But there was no way she wanted a Jedi as her confidant, hardly a friend, and reluctantly even an ally. She hoped the way she answered would make it clear she neither wished to share anything with her, nor cared about her, but simply wanted to work together to achieve a goal and then go their separate ways. The sooner the better.

If the Jedi Master was under an impression that anyone who fucked their kids should try sucking up the parents of the said kid, or were somehow responsible of reporting to them of the nature of their relationship, she was mistaken. It wasn’t like she and Theron were getting married, having kids and living together in some small shithole, hiding form the Eternal Empire, Sith and Republic troops alike. She might be a friend of her son but it didn’t mean Nejeena had any special bond with his mother.

Sateles attempt at being such an example of a perfect Jedi had only made her look like a bad mother, and even worse person, if someone asked Nejeenas opinion. Considering Satele had abandoned her own infant son, Nejeena would've said she had no right to intervene to Therons life. He'd have to decide that himself, of course, but she could draw her own personal line here.

_"With all due respect, that's none of your business. You already have an opinion of me readied in your mind and nothing I say could change it drastically. If you think I did it to gain loyalty under false pretenses or even to influence a Grand Master of Jedi, then believe in that. And if you're willing to believe a Sith is capable of friendship and decency, I'll apologize and give you a benefit of a doubt."_

Master Satele sat in silence, probably sorting through all the underlying meanings. She stood up, shaking the fatigue from her body.

_"I guess I'll get a better read of you in a few years. Rest now and get better, I have a feeling we'll meet each other again."_

The Jedi was about to leave when Nejeena spoke. No matter how much she detested this woman in general she had to admire her determination and she wasn't unable to feeling gratitude.

_"Thank you. I own you one."_

She said and Satele glanced over her shoulder. It was almost like she'd had a small smile on her lips before she nodded and disappeared outside.


	11. Wait, I could have really liked you, I'll bet that's why I keep thinking about you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a little blurry how the whole thing started  
> I don't even really know what you intended  
> Thought that you were cute and you could make me jealous  
> Poured it down, so I poured it down
> 
> Wait  
> I could have really liked you  
> I'll bet, I'll bet that's why I keep on thinking 'bout you  
> It's a shame, shame, you said I was good  
> So I poured it down, so I poured it down
> 
> You got yourself in a dangerous zone  
> Cause we both have the fear, fear of being alone
> 
> And I still don't understand it  
> You don't mess with love, you mess with the truth  
> And my heart don't understand it  
> Understand it, understand it
> 
> Why I got you on my mind  
> Why I got you on my mind
> 
> On my mind / Ellie Goulding

When he heard the news he dropped the portable device he used for reading mails and keeping up with everyone and everything worth knowing. He had to check out several working units during his day and being out of reach for longer times than quarter of hour wasn't possible. It has broken to pieces, which felt quite fitting. It did what he could not do where he stood, not that he could do ever do that.

Yet he walked out of his office and found a somewhat solitary corner of the building and just sat down. It was dark in this abandoned office: it's owner had died recently and it hadn't anyone to fill it again with life and duty. Losses and passings, all around. Theron closed his eyes and rested his head against the wall.

He knew the people he lived and worked with might celebrate Marr’s death - those who remembered who Darth Imperius was were likely to do the same. There was no joy in Therons mind. He couldn’t say that the Empire Marr had wished to built would’ve been any better than it was before but he could've hardly made it any worse.

And then there were all the things he’d gone through with Nejeena… He tried not to think how she'd shielded him from the blast or how her kisses had ignited something forgotten inside of him,

All of that didn’t matter anymore - she was dead. It was hard to believe, she being one of those people who survived even the most grim odds and cheated death every time. But the communications and messages their sources had intercepted and delivered to them were clear.

Dozens of escape pods had been picked up, floating in the space but none of them had any sign or even sightings of the most high ranking Sith on the ship. And that ship, well it was only a pile of rubble. Few of those messages praised Darth Imperius for commanding everyone to evacuate, saving hundreds of lives. That's the woman he had known, but not the one his co-workers would suppose her to be.

Theron had said goodbye to her, assuming he’d never see her again. But had he really done so? If he had, why would the idea of never seeing her again feel so… final?

A fellow agent opened the door and found him sitting in a darkness. Theron mumbled an explanation of a bad headache and headed back to work. The work would carry him through that day and any day he'd pick. Knowing it gave hime some sort of grim comfort. In the following years he buried himself under the endless piles of paperwork and new missions, fighting a lost war against the Eternal Empire, at first in the lines of the SIS and later from the shadows.

The majority of people around him thought that the subtle changes in his demeanor and behavior resulted from the Republics fall under the tyrannic treaties of the Arcanns rule. And yes, seeing the things he'd fought so hard to preserve, defeated in such a devastating manner were likely to age men before their time.

No-one could tell that he was mourning. It didn't show. He had no gall or right to openly grieve: a sith, an enemy - even another mans wife when it came to that.

The first year, which he'd always remember as the year of the war, was easy on that field even if it was horrifying on many other levels. He slept as little as possible, trying to help the war efforts through day and night. He was burning his candle from both ends and he knew it. But this way he didn't have to think about his past failures, like Ziost that still haunted him sometimes. Or _her_. Especially not her.

The dreams started sometime around the one year mark. His workload didn't get much easier but his mind wasn't always as keenly on it anymore, now that they had lost the war.

Some nights she came to him. She was as warm and intoxicatingly dangerous as ever, kissing him and climbing on top of him, yanking him upwards, hand in his hair, occasionally riding him and whispering into his ear: _come for me, I'm tired of waiting_. And just before he was to find his release, exploding into her, she fled, a laughter echoing in the corridors.

_"Come and get me. You'll have to find me at first!"_

Those dreams made him twitchy and left his body aching. But in some dreams she just lied beside him, fingers sorting through his hair and her eyes of gold looking at Theron like they'd never really done: devotion and warmth in them.

_"Well win this fight one day. You've done the best anyone could've done. I'll be back by your side and we'll push them back into outer space."_

Waking up in the darkness of his room, the warmth of hers missing from his side Theron felt tired. And he was alone, so very alone. He had many good colleagues but they weren't his friends - a superior rarely had much to do with their subordinates after work.

He had conversations about work, politics and economy with his co-workers but they never asked how he was holding up, or if they did, they didn't want to get honest answers. It took two and half, almost three years since the war had started for Teff'ith to show up. Suddenly, without any notion or warning beforehand, she was sitting in his office, legs on his table and sorting through his stuff.

_"Teff'ith! What are you doing here?"_

_"Theron, I came to ask about... Whooaaa you look like a shit!"_

She jumped on her feet and circled around him. Theron felt very uncomfortable under her scrutiny. He tried to shoo her away.

_"What do you want?"_

He asked, trying to pretend he hadn't heard her testimony considering his appearances.

_"You sign some papers, me going to haul a teammate out of pen. Your stupid put him there, is gonna get him away."_

Theron was both amused and little shocked she thought he either could pull such strings or that he would do so.

_"I call the shots on my turf this day. I'm management and I have two ways: kill those who betray me or do bad job and promote those who please me. But your idiots, not my lot. So that's why I need you. Thanks for asking how I'm doing by the way."_

Theron had been keeping tabs on her whereabouts and her 'career', however dubious her 'trading' might've been. Still, he could've asked. He waved her to sit down on a couch and she did, her headtails swinging behind her in an angry way. No need to worry though, she was kind of fierce all the time.

Seated next to him Theron could feel her the warmth of her body radiating into the room in a way that it even heated his side; He kept his offices temperature cold to work more efficiently and longer periods before he'd start feeling sleepy. Teff'ith crossed her legs, sitting on a armrest of the sofa rather than the actual furniture.

_"So what have you been up to since you showed me red lights the last time?"_

Theron asked only to notice Teff'ith going through the his drawers - the woman was surely sneaky as ever. She had found a dusty bottle and returned to her place with smug smirk on her face. Teff'ith took a long sip straight from the bottle. Theron knew it would be useless to point out that she was drinking from a very expensive bottle of Fury. One that had sentimental value nevertheless.

_"Hey this is good stuff, how it ended up your ass?"_

Theron cringed. Nice way of asking how a boring report runner like him had such strong, illegal and even flammable liquor hidden in his room. The truth being told, she was somewhat right. If he hadn't met Nejeena he wouldn't have those bottles or that scar, looking pretty much like bite mark, on his shoulder, or those dreams and this pain hidden to the corners of his mind. But that was old him, in more ways than one.

_"It was a gift."_

He said, trying to sound nonchalant. But Teff'ith rarely missed anything. That's what had kept her alive for so long, amongst the kind of people she did business with. She put the cork back to the bottle and lowered it on a table.

_"From who?"_

_"Somebody I used to know."_

The Twil'ek sticked elbows on her knees, and the purplish eyes of hers stared keenly at him.

_"She dead?"_

Impossible woman. Of course she would see right through him, making an assumption this was about carefully hidden romantic side of his life, casually disregarding the fact that he might've also been attracted to males. Like he was sometimes. But that wasn't really the point of this conversation.

_"Yes. She sent me those bottles not long before she left for the mission that turned out to be her last. And after that I told her that having anything else than short dalliance with an Imperial wouldn't be possible. Supposedly she didn't mind, considering she sent me a birthday gift."_

Teff'ith was digging into his drawer again and found a wrinkly, handwritten note under another bottle. The piece of paper looked like someone had read it, thrown it away and then saved it from the garbage.

 

 

_Hello my agent._

_See, it sounding weird depends on who's saying the words._

_With this gift I wish you a good day of birth and many successful years to come._

_May your persistence, implants and blasters be with you - who needs the Force if you've got those, right?_

_About the bottles: The red one is strong stuff. Use carefully and only offer a drink to those you want to get into trouble with. Because it's red and mean and dangerous stuff. Reminds you of someone?_

_Seriously, you could use some belligerent and wanton whims or bar fights that make a good stories. Victory is for the living and you need to live a little sometimes._

_The black one. You might want to avoid opening it. Our paths have been crossing so many times lately, consider saving it just in case we end up meeting again. You can offer me a drink then if you wish to._

_Of course you can pop it open without me if you're certain we'll never come across each other again. But be sure your company gives you a special, electric feeling so you won't waste the drinks potential._

_N._

 

 

Teff'ith read the letter aloud, with an amused smirk on her face. The lack of her accent when reading a text written with good basic was still distracting.

_"This girl I like! She's fun. Could use more girls like her."_

She picked the another bottle. It was an old looking article of solid black liquor with red fumes circling on its surface.

_"She Sith?"_

Teff'ith asked, looking more surprised than he remembered ever seeing her.

_"How did you figure **that** out?"_

Theron had to ask. Was it some phrase in the letter or? The vague mentions of the Force and electricity maybe?

_"Good luck you aren't a thirsty man. This is a nice and valuable bottle of Darkest Darth, strong as a bantha and shocks anyone who can't snap others with lightning. An asshole-smuggler tricked me with this stuff once. You know this girl likes you right? She wants to zap you or your other gals if you leave her out of the fun."_

Theron cleared his throat. The implications in her words made him feel a new kind of loss. She'd really wanted to meet him again? Could they have... He shook his head. Pointless speculations.

_"So you like liked-liked that imp? Ouuuh. Sure she's dead? Those Sith, always rising outta graves, even if dug deep. Seen her body?"_

Her twisting the knife like this didn't help. He'd accepted her death during the second year, even started to appreciate the memories he had of her, when almost three years had passed, but this brute way of digging up her cold corpse was killing him. She had to stop.

_"You're such a sweet talker. No. No-ones seen her body, not even the Imperials. She disappeared. But she's been gone for years. And I won't discuss her any more with you."_

Teff'ith raised her hands like she'd surrendered.

_"Okay, okay. But years? Still pining for that Imperials ass? Let's say I find out what happened to her but first you release that man of mine?"_

There was no arguing with this woman. She always did what she wanted and she'd organize a prison break if needed to be. He wanted to keep the Twi'lek as safe as she could, or not adding to her list of crimes at least, so he yielded.

_"I'll release your guy if he stays out of the radar from now on. Checked his files a while ago and there's nothing major in his records. More bad luck than serious crimes. But for your end of the bargain, I wouldn't make promises one can't keep."_

She was already on the door but before she closed it, her blue face peeped inside.

_"I never give empty promises. Don't open that bottle just yet."_

Theron didn't see her for a long time but she did deliver what she'd promised. _No-one_ else would sent Lana Beniko a message stating that they had found _'agent stupids girl in a carbo'_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a royally stupid mistake with timeline in Chapter 3, kudos and my apologies to anyone who spotted that. Now it's fixed. 
> 
> Damned that this kind of speed of writing makes spotting errors quite hard. I'll try to make coherent chapters and text of all the material and possible scenes I have floating in my head and sometimes mishaps like that just slip through.
> 
> Sorry again!


	12. Change everything you are, and everything you were, your number has been called, fights and battles have begun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Change everything you are  
> And everything you were  
> Your number has been called  
> Fights and battles have begun  
> Revenge will surely come  
> Your hard times are ahead
> 
> Don't let yourself down  
> Don't let yourself go  
> Your last chance has arrived
> 
> Best,  
> You've got to be the best  
> You've got to change the world  
> And use this chance to be heard  
> Your time is now
> 
> Butterflies and hurricanes / Muse

As the door closed with a barely audible huff behind him, Theron felt empty.

Almost the same he'd felt after he'd finally given up trying to reach for the Force. Theron had prayed, and meditated and pushed himself on the edge both physically and mentally. He’d wanted to find some sort of connection to the great unknown flowing through him and around him, yet completely out of his reach. He’d wanted it so badly it had made his heart ache. But nothing.

It had felt like whole world, galaxy, universe, had turned their backs on him. All those people who had raised him had tried to hide their disappointment, but it was still there, behind their serene veneer they thought he was a mistake and unworthy of their time and efforts.

But in the SIS he had been able to thrive, compete with same rules as everyone else, show his true strengths and push himself to the limit, knowing that would actually gain him something: a successful mission here, a medal of honor there, next promotion just around the corner. And last but not the least, a chance to help people, make difference, shape the universe for the better.

He had been a good agent. One of the best. Of course he had made mistakes, but so did everyone, and as he’d learned along the way, the bigger the title and therefore responsibilities, the harder choices one had to make. And results, well, sometimes they were astonishing and some days catastrophic. Rarely something mediocre at this point, in his position.

When the Jedi order kicked him out on the curb, unceremoniously and harshly, SIS had given his life a new meaning. But nothing came without a cost; He’d given up most of his friends for this job, either because he couldn’t see them for years at a time, when he was workin undercover or because he had to bury them, one after another. He had no-one to go to or just give a call, casually asking, what he should do after quitting everything that mattered to him. Or had mattered.

Now he was sitting on the curb again. He had no idea what he was supposed to do next. One thing was sure: he couldn’t keep on working under a government that allowed people like Saresh using everyone as puppets, controlling political decisions and replacing people, not giving power to the people but using it from the shadows.

Theron had learned one thing for sure, when he had fought beside Lana and Nejeena. If the Empire and Republic would keep on fighting each other, there neither could, nor would ever be a winner. And now, both factions facing the same enemy, it would’ve been crucial to form an alliance, whereas Saresh and most of the other big players in the Republic still obsessed with destroying the Sith Empire.

Maybe he should have left when Nejeena had asked him to join her. She hadn't been serious, knowing very well the mere thought horrified him. But no, had she meant it, not just teased him, he wasn't ready then. He still believed in the Republic, into SIS, even harbored an ideal of heroism over pragmatism.

Years ago he'd met Nejeenas apprentice. She'd been a breathtaking woman, clearly a skilled warrior with a posture of a Jedi Knight but eyes of a Sith. A harmonic core of lullabies and peace in the middle of a raging storm, like Nejeena had described her, her voice giving away how proud she was of her. And beautiful in a very universal and classical way, on top of all that.

Darth Imperius had smiled, giving Zavros a kiss on her cheek, making her blush.

 _"I could not hope for a better appreciate. She gives me a wisdom_   _of a Padawan but knows when offense is the best defense. She has a heart of a Sith but a mind of a Jedi."_

_"What do you think of yourself then? Which are you?"_

Theron had asked, knowing it was an idiotic thing to pry into but he was too intrigued not to do so. His life, birth, the circumstances of his childhood twisted around the duality of light and dark, passion and peace and for him those opposites had always been an compelling matter.

_"I'm the future of those sensing the Force: the balance instead of infighting, the free flow of the Force, burying under and removing artificial inhibitions in its wake. I'm neither Jedi nor Sith, I'm myself, seeking truth, knowledge and the right path, challenging old ways but not trying to strike them down. I'm the inevitable change, the next phase of the evolution. I'm both the question and the answer."_

Ashara had said, smiling warmly and looking at her... Master? Nejeena arced her brow, looking amused and squeezed the hand of Togruta briefly.

Theron raised his head. He had blamed Nejeena for pushing him into the direction that resulted to him losing his way. But maybe she had shown him the new path? If the change was inevitable, why fight it?

He hesitated only for a few heartbeats before he made a call.

_"Lana, it's Theron. Theron Shan."_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My husband asked what I'm writing about. I told him I'm telling a story of a guy who thinks whether he should change career, and other boring stuff like that. A killer speech for selling ones fic, right?


	13. Her song leaves the other side in flight for their lives, now they are not long for this world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strap down and dig your heals in  
> Prepare to kill them all  
> You’ll pull the trigger when it’s due
> 
> We need to silence all  
> and any doubt among us  
> So that we can do what we need to
> 
> Eight tons of armored steel  
> and any weapon you will need  
> Now is the time to prove that you are elite
> 
> Sun blazing in your back, defolding space as you attack  
> Skull fighters on your wing, now we react 
> 
> Split second call, heat seeker  
> One more goes up in flames  
> A million lights across your view
> 
> You have to prove your own worth to friend and foe alike  
> This weak display just will not do
> 
> They know you from afar  
> to be the weakest of them all  
> but that will change   
> when you still stand as they fall
> 
> Her song leaves the other side in flight for their lives  
> now they are not long for this world  
> No one leaves, line up for inevitable wipeout  
> all you’ve done now it’s what you deserve
> 
> Laser speed force / Machinae Supermacy

Nejeena had been at the brink of dying so many times it was a bit crazy.

What being healed over and over again might do to her body? Her skin was so covered in scars that they even overlapped each other. And what about her mind going on the verge of madness as ghosts, and now the voice of an Emperor plagued it; Would it break her piece by piece until she’d be completely beyond repair?

This time she had been defeated like never before, captured, even poisoned. Her body broken once again, another unborn child of hers sacrificed all in vain. Five years of her life robbed from her, everything she cared for, shattered across the universe, lost from her. Yet she felt nothing, she was a hollow shell, trying to keep together all that emptiness inside.

Nejeena fought her way out of her prison because Lana had come all the way to the unknown parts of the space, risking everything just to save her. She couldn’t let her down and she did remember how to fight. Come to think it, fight was all she was good for anymore, her body catching up with the rhythm of the battle like she'd never stopped dancing. She moved with ease, striking blows and evading in a dizzying pace, but her heart wasn’t in it. She had lost her passion, somewhere in the darkness of her mind, in the visions of death and destruction, never-ending torment Valkorion had made her go through.

She’d never been this weak. For the first time in her life she longed only to find peace. To die or to sleep without dreams. She wanted to get even a short moment of serenity but she doubted such path would be forever forbidden of her. The Sith could not find harmony, so she kept on pushing forward, her mind wandering elsewhere, reaching towards vague memories she had of happiness, love and belonging. When Lana made them run, leaving Vaylin behind because she was too powerful foe for them at that moment, she knew Lana was right. She would've hated to admit it, back then. Now she just didn't care.

One day, after they’d found the Gravestone and started making repairs, Nejeena overheard Lana and Koth talking about her. Koth asked, had the Outlander always been that quiet, introverted and bland. Lana’s answer had shaken her a little; The Sith lord told Koth that she barely recognized the husk of a woman she’d pulled out of that carbonite prison. She'd been like that for weeks and Lana doubted she would ever break the walls she had built for her protection, making them her prison as well.

When the ship finally took off from the Asylum, Nejeena crawled on the floor, crying for herself, her unborn daughter and all the happiness her birth could’ve brought, for the fact that no-one knew the whereabouts of her crew, a way to her friends or even husband. She mourned for those unknown people she’d killed when the Emperor took over her body, in order to kill his son, no matter how hard she’d fought back.

Nejeena had accepted Valkorions power once before, to save Lana, whom she oved her life, and once right at the start, after she'd witnessed him slaying Marr, one of the most powerful beings she’d ever known, crushing him like a maggot. She had always been a survivor and if a fake alliance had granted her some time to think, a way out of a hopeless situation, she’d take the chance she had gotten. She'd promised herself she wouldn't give him control over herself but when Lana had rescued her, she’d been more dead than alive, not caring about what using Valkorions power would do to her - what did it matter if he’d posses her or kill her? Nothing mattered anymore. Might as well lose herself to save Lana, who still had some fight left in her.

The tears cleansed her, drop by drop. They were the first tears she’d cried after her imprisonment. And they didn’t seem to run dry at all. Letting all those emotions flow inside her: sadness, anger, rage, regret, longing and love, she started to feel alive again.

And she wanted to fight, to defeat Arcann, who’d taken her life from her. She wanted to destroy Valkorion, because he had violated her body, forcing his power on her, pushing through her mental walls and almost killing her. She’d been so angry afterwards, she’d force choked Tora, an act she should apologize. Had she been healthy after it, she could’ve started murder and mayhem like no-one had seen before.

Now she was weak and she was fragile. But she was filled with passion again, she’d found a will to fight and win and destroy her enemies. Every passing second gave her more strength. Soon she’d have power and means to stand up and fight again. Nejeena had no doubts that she’d get an ultimate victory. Standing on the graves of her enemies would break those chains Arcann and his father had tried to wrap around her neck, this time for good. She was no slave, not anymore, not ever again.

She opened her mail and read through all the messages she's received, drowning herself in past days, trying to memorize faces, voices and touches of those who had wished for her to be alive, to read those words one day. She cherished every letter, every word. For those people and those she didn't even know but who believed in her, for one reason or another, she promised to raise from the ashes of her past self.

As she walked to face her companions, a fire ignited in Lana’s eyes. It was a bright flame, a combination of recognition, relief and... piety? Koth, Senya and others watched her approach in silence, like they’d never seen her before. In many ways they really hadn’t. Senya shivered: maybe she felt the Force singing the songs of fight and bloodshed and glory at her wake same as she. And Koth, seeing the woman he'd feared for years, looking at the Outlander like that, there was a new kind of respect in his posture too.

_"Are you ready?"_

Lana asked and stepped on her side. The space was black and Gravestone hummed around her, but she barely heard its noises over the triumphant hymn of the Force. It covered her, embraced her and she added her own verse into it. Valkorion was quiet, had been ever since Asylum. He was surely calculating, plotting and seeing where this awakening of hers would lead.

  _Let him watch, and watch closely_ , she thought, _for I will become his doom_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd be happy to get feedback, advice, suggestions or corrections.  
> Like Pat Benatar sang, hit me with your best shot!


	14. Through all of my lives I never thought I'd wait so long for you, the timing is right, the stars are aligned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Past lives couldn't ever come between us  
> Some time the dreamers finally wake up  
> Don't wake me I'm not dreaming  
> Don't wake me I'm not dreaming
> 
> Hey I need you now  
> I've waited oh so long yeah  
> Baby love, I need you now  
> I've waited oh so long
> 
> Through all of my lives  
> I never thought I'd wait so long for you  
> The timing is right, the stars are aligned
> 
> Save that heart for me  
> And girl I'll give you everything you'll need  
> Here's to our past lives, our mothers and fathers  
> Our love is deeper than the oceans of water
> 
> Past lives / BØRNS

It felt like a dream, seeing her standing there, looking down into the valley. All he’d done lately had been for her. He could lie to himself and others that he’d built up the Alliance day and night, with very little sleep and pulling every string he’d earned during the years of working in SIS, for Republic, for peace or better world in general. But he’d been almost delirious, too restless to stop and burying himself under a mountain-ranges wort of work as it was the only thing that could stop him from climbing up the walls. 

This waiting, knowing she was coming closer of being here, every day and hour bringing her nearer, at last so nigh he imagined he could feel her presence - it was crazy. Few days before Nejeena landed into the Alliance base, he’d been forced to run some errands and after all that pining, yearning to see her, it was like a cruel irony that she ended up arriving the only time he’d allowed himself to left the base and his watch.

Based on his first impression, Nejeena was just the same as he'd remembered. Theron had lived long enough to know that time was a fickle thing, details getting lost along the way and some things becoming brighter than they'd been. But her memory had been so clear, it was like one of her lightning strikes had burned the image of her into his mind permanently. 

So when he finally saw her, the feeling wasn’t just a mere reflex-like recognition, it was more like giving a perfect answer to a very tricky question or knowing instinctively how to crack a complex code. Like he’d meant for this, prepped and trained for it, something clicking to its place inside of him, like a small but integral part of him had been dislocated all these years, making him feel uneasy even if he didn’t know why.

Lana had warned that Nejeena had changed. The latest message she'd been able to send through secure channels had stated that the woman they’d known might be gone for good. Nejeena had been poisoned yes, weakened severely. Though her powers were coming back with a steady pace, the real damage done was to her mind. If he’d understood Lanas carefully put words correctly, Nejeena was there with Lana, HK-55 and Koth yet she was not fully present. It was like a part of her was still wandering in whatever place she’d been stuck in, for all that time.

But as their eyes met she was there and all the years he’d spent searching his way, a meaning for his life and reason to fight…Theron could’ve said that they vanished and it was like they were thrown back in time but no, outside the illusion created by those miraculous first few seconds he was a way different man: less unconditional, less idealistic. He’d also left a long list of personal problems and baggage behind him one issue at a time, following Nejeenas advice, given him a long time ago to do what he pleased with it. He knew she'd been right: he didn’t need those people who didn’t recognize his value and he shouldn’t linger in a past, regretting and wallowing in his mistakes and things he was unable to do. He was still alive, with only one life to lead and he was hell bent on making the best out of it,

The strange pull he’d always felt looking into those ever-changing pools of gold and yellow sunlight, oh how dearly he had hoped for it to still be there. He’d fought it for so long, telling himself that letting go and opening himself for her, falling blindly into unknown, surrendering to the enemy, would compromise all he’d ever worked for and fought for. But when this underlining current that had been pulling him under, to the cold, dark waters that waited just behind her skin and bones… as it was still there, singing almost forgotten song and asking him to jump, dive, wade into the deep end, he embraced it. What if he’d drown? If he could be alive, even for a moment, it would be better than these years of barely excisting.

Nejeena had been looking into his eyes for a while now, likely waiting for him to set some ground rules for their exchange. She’d probably realized that the five years she’d lost had changed quite a few things and with everyone she’d known, she had to determine how they felt about her cheating death and whether they still wanted to have anything to do with her. A burden that him staring silently, freezed into his place wasn’t surely helping with.

_”Like what you’ve done with the place”_

_”Theron Shan.”_

Nejeena said, a tired smile on her lips. Those were nice two words, even if she’d said nothing more than his name and so acknowledging his presence - clearly forgiving his poor opening line before he even had a chance to apologize for it. After all, she’d been the one to crack jokes and force terrible puns and innuendos into their conversations back then, so she was unlikely to criticize him about the matter. Hearing her voice broke off some of the tension in him. It made this more real and less like his dreams or the ghosts he’d been seeing when pushing himself to the edge: not resting, working too long and too hard.

_”Hadn’t seen you in a while, wasn’t sure you’d remember me.”_

Theron said and he could’ve sworn she looked a little offended. Great, hurting her with stupid comments was exactly how he’d wanted to handle this situation. Nejeena scoffed and she tried to change her smile into something that wasn’t as weary. She failed but there was softness in her voice.

_”It’s great to see you Theron.”_

He was so close to just grab her and kiss her and let his hands roam her body and never let her go, like he’d done in his daydreams so many times. But something kept him afar, a slowly growing feeling that something was indeed amiss with her. The boiling, melting and radiating core of hers that he’d once described as a torrid mass of some molten metal in a forge that barely kept it from overflowing, seemed to have cooled down, the almost unbearable warmth of hers turned into a single, sharp sword of iron, an deadly and precise instrument of revenge. It might be even deadlier than the bursting and seething, but sometimes uncontrolled, force of hers yet somehow it made him sad. She’d changed too, after all, and he had no way of telling how much.

_”Good, Wasn’t sure about that, based on what Lana said you went through. What you’re going through.”_

He corrected. A shadow lingered on Nejeenas face, her mouth opening like she was searching for words she could not find. Maybe there was no words that would be sufficient for describing what happened to her in that carbonite coffin of hers. Theron had to walk away from her, to shake the sadness that was creeping into his mind and body, to start over all the starting over. He wasn’t sure if she’d follow but as she did Theron got himself back together, to some extent at least.

_”Been a long five years. Feels like everything has changed.”_

A spark he’d missed hit light in her eyes and now her smile was just as genuine and full of halfway-there promises as he remembered.

_”You got better looking.”_

_”I don’t know about that, but hey, I’ll take it.”_

He said, even if it didn’t really matter what nonsensical thing she said or what he said back to brush off her flirtations like he'd always done. This was their dance if there ever was one. What mattered was hidden behind the words, Nejeena telling him she’d push through, starting to win back more and more those parts of herself they both knew and liked, pushing back all the new darkness and damage done to her. Theron hoped he'd managed to make it clear that he couldn’t be happier to hear it and maybe even state that he'd be there for her.

_”Since I left the SIS, Lana brought me in to manage operations. But before we get into the more-or-less official stuff, I’ve got something for you...”_

_”You found my people?”_

The joy he’d felt in advance died away. He’d spent weeks digging through Imperial records, trying to find _Fury_ for her and she’d shot his announcement of the ship down before he’d even had a chance to reveal his finding. Theron understood her though; Of course she wished to find her most trustworthy friends and the oldest allies of hers, including her husband, but still…

_"No luck so far but..."_

It turned out that even if she'd been more eager to see the rest of her friends and loved ones, the look on her face was worth all the trouble. The urge to reach for her, pull her closer, make sure she really was there, following Fury with her eyes until it disappeared behind the treelike and cliffs... it came back with such an unyielding force Theron had to back down. This reunion had been a success of a sort, much better than what he'd expected after Lanas warnings so he didn't want to push too much, to break instead of repairing.

_"When you have a moment, it’s time for that official stuff. I’ll be inside."_

Theron said and left. He could swear he felt Nejeenas eyes on his back when he walked away. He'd never taken steps more ponderous, questioning every move as every pace lengthened the divide between them, when all he wanted was to stay. But she was here for good, he assured himself. And if it was up to him, he wouldn't let her disappear ever again.

 

 


	15. Hold me down and faze this out of me, this constant emotion that I can never seem to release.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hold me down,   
> And faze this out of me.   
> This constant emotion,   
> That I can never seem to release.
> 
> Call me out,   
> And show me a different view.   
> This perfect example,   
> Of how I wish I was more like you.
> 
> Staring down a brand new day.   
> Everything is still the same.   
> The mirror hasn't changed my face.
> 
> And I know that the world will pass by,   
> If I always complain cause I never tried.
> 
> Once more   
> So much for feeling insecure,   
> You know, I cannot continue to ignore my feelings   
> So I'll start over once more.
> 
> Start over / Shinedown

Joy. The drive to enjoy and relish being alive. Those were the things Theron appreciated most about her. Nejeena had gone through the deepest and darkest places of the galaxy that existed, and beyond that; She’d been imprisoned in the nightmares and horrors of a mind that had mercilessly devoured countless of lives and killed whole civilizations in order to gain power. But she could still laugh, dance and kiss. Like nothing could truly make her break, yield.

The moment Nejeena had seen him in the cantina of Odessen base, she’d smiled at him and made fun of them wondering whether she’d even show up. _Do you think I’m that dull_ , she’d asked and pried out their reaction to her teasing. It was hard to imagine that this woman had lost five years of her life, everything she held dear judging by the effectiveness she had as she dived into the information they had about their allies, potential and those they’d managed to contact alike, ongoing operations and things they needed to get done.

But still something was amiss, like Nejeena had lost a part of herself, some sort of cluelessness she had when he’d met her. Even then she’d lost her family, been through years of slavery and Sith training that was like a death sentence to most. She’d battled against impossible odds and impossible or not, she’d been reborn, her body wrecked by the ghosts she’d bind into herself, in order to survive and gain power.

Maybe it was the ambition, a need to be on the top, to climb the ladders of influence and reign that was missing. A base instinct of wanting to change not just her own life but the rules of whole empire, increasing the chances for those living in the poorest and hardest places in the society making their lives worth living.

When someone had slipped the possibility of her becoming the commander of their resistance, the figurehead of everything they tried to pull in here, Nejeena had flinched. And Theron couldn’t judge her. She’d tried that once after all, betting all her money on one horse, that being the seat in Dark Council. But before she’d been able to make any significant changes, or at least such that would’ve been in trial for so long they’d lasted after her supposed passing, a player that wasn’t even participating in the race had knocked the whole arena down, killing her colleagues, those she respected and hated alike and thrown her into the void that gave her no hopes of ever surviving.

Nejeena had once shown him, with touches and words alike how living for oneself didn’t necessarily mean giving up more noble ideas and goals. That a passion, lust or enjoying the moment didn’t disregard any of the achievements of a more professional sort. That letting go once in a while, giving him a permission to forget his failures and losses would make him better at what he deemed important rather than making him losing perspective.

_Stars that he’d missed her._

Theron had known her for such a short time but even so, thinking Nejeena was dead, gone forever to someplace he couldn’t follow, closing all the doors he’d unintentionally left halfway open - too afraid to admit himself he needed that possibility to be there, had he found the courage to take his chances… it had felt like losing a limb or worse. It was like getting burned permanently, his face and body scarred in a way that made him ache, like nothing could be the same after such a grieve injury. Somehow it reminded Theron of his father who had changed, losing his idealism to rage and vengeance, not completely but enough to change the man he’d once been. Or so his mother had told him. But in this case, no one could see his scars, a limp, any concrete damage done but dark under eyes and the way he started to spent even more time on his own, avoiding unnecessary human contact.

When Nejeena leaned against the counter, her hip twisting a little outwards, creating a curve of sinking waist even more sinful than usual, Theron felt his breath hitching for a short moment. He felt like he was in a dire need of taking in the sight of her, all of her, as much of her body he was able. Like he’d been starving and now he tried to eat more than his shrunken stomach could actually process.

The Commander had scars, old ones and new, criss-crossing her red skin like roads and rivers on a map, memories of old puncture wounds being the villages and mountaintops in between of them. Some of them he’d even remembered, in his daydreams and nightmares alike, but some of them the tide of time had erased and some Nejeena had likely gotten when she was being held in Zakuul.

Nejeena told a joke that made Koth laugh and straightened then. She’d said something else too but Theron had been so deep in his thoughts that he had no idea what she’d tried to ask of him. The Commander raised an non-existent eyebrow at him, like she’d been both slightly annoyed and amused of him being in the room but not being present.

_”I tried to find out whether there was a need for me to have a private chat with someone, before we start tonights get-together and drown our doubts and sorrows?”_

Theron blinked, still distracted, staring at her lips this time, wondering how those sharp canines that she used to biting her lower lip would feel piercing his skin. He had a vague memory of that sensation too, years ago, ever fleeting no matter how hard he tried to cling to it….

_”Theron? Shall we catch up?"_

Nejeena said, a hint of irritation in her voice. He rose abruptly and followed her shuffling through people that were leaning towards each other over the tables, dancing, playing cards or simply drinking alone, staring the bottom of their glasses, grim expressions carved on their faces.

Nejeena took his hand, a small jolt of electricity running through his arm when her fingers wrapped around his. Whether it was her Force abilities leaking through or some static he couldn’t tell. He concentrated on the feeling of her warmer hand against his colder and sweatier palm and realized they’d entered an empty room. The surrounding noise was almost gone, shouts and music and chatter one a muffled echo behind the wall.

For a moment they only looked at each other, her yellow eyes with warm orange hue and thin, red rims meeting his eyes of the ever varying color of yellowish green and brown hues. _Your eyes are like water in a pond_ , she’d said absent mindedly once, _you never know what you’re going to get: be the wind or a high water and the color changes_. Theron wondered how his eyes were now, not so much the color but the look in them. Could she see his longing, need, uncertainty, even the still remaining pain her ’death’ had caused? Could she tell that the turmoil of his usually buried and tamed emotions were the only reason he was paralyzed, keeping his distance, even if it was only less than an arms length from him.

_"So, how did you end up here? I overheard you saying to Lana that she wanted you around to lighten her load. Is that what you've been doing - general administration?"_

Nejeena asked. So she'd heard that. How long had she waited, observed, listened. Sometimes he forgot that she had been an _inquisitor_ by her rank, before training her skills in sorcery and finally becoming Darth Imperius. But that should be obvious since she read most of the people like her books of Imperial history.

_"I suppose you've had time to find out what's been going on on a larger scale, the war and political changes and so on? This being more of a personal inquiry?"_

She merely nodded and so he tried to sum up his reasons and feelings for leaving SIS behind, how he'd lost hope in the leaders of the Republic. And how he decided to use his connections and skills against the Zakuul instead. He shared what he felt suitable to tell about their old acquaintances, given he knew something about their latest dealings. But she hadn't been herself hadn't she noticed he left out any notion of Grand Master Shan. When asked about it he huffed.

"The Jedi order got scathed, plucked apart and she decided to go somewhere. Didn't say where... and no one has heard of her as far as I know."

There was warmth in her gaze. Theron knew Nejeena had never understood the relationship he had with Satele, why he bothered to try and care. But she let everyone make their own mistakes even if she might've voiced her concerns somewhere along the way. Theron knew she could grasp how this felt, yet another abandonment, after they'd cautiously built some feeble attempt of mother-son-relationship. The emphatic look in her eyes made him look away. No Sith should ever look anyone like she did.

Theron tried to find the words, to tell her how lost he’d been but the words escaped from him, fled to every corner of the space, like they’d done all his life, It was not like he couldn’t have deep and meaningful conversations, tell jokes or even flirt. But voicing his deepest feelings and wishes, that he wasn’t fluent at. He’d been trained to suppress them and hide them rather than revealing them.

_"I want you to know I'm doing everything I can do to keep things running smoothly around here."_

He said. Back to business then. But he hoped she could understand the equally important things he just left unsaid. That in his mid he'd added: _for us, for you. I'll always do that for you as well as our cause._

_"So you'll take care of anyone who needs you?"_

Nejeena said, teasing him, pushing him, gauging his reaction and probably trying to find out how he felt about their past and future now that she'd been back for a moment.

_"Not just anyone. I'm sorry I couldn't be there to thaw you out. But now that you're back, look at what you've accomplished here, everyone who chose to rally behind you."_

So it was all out, to some extent at least. How helpless he'd felt sending Lana and her allies inside the Zakuul to the suicidal rescue mission, forced to stay behind because it was the most sensible thing to do. Even if all Theron had wanted to do was fly into the unknown parts of the space and seek her out. And also how amazed he'd been, seeing her assuming the leadership of their movement so easily, even if reluctantly so... how much she inspired him and the others.

Nejeena closed the space between them, like she’d done many times before. Theron knew very well that the woman standing before him, as magnificent as she was, still wasn’t the best choice for him, not by a long shot. But it didn't really matter since she’d pushed through. Nejeena had blasted through his carefully built walls and brushed off his awkwardness, not letting him escape but forcing him to show his true self to her. That’s what separated her from the others. Someone more patient, less absolute, someone more... Republic would’ve surely been his initial choice had an opportunity like that presented itself.

When she’d been gone Theron had reflected his life in a different light and he’d realized there had been several occasions of attractive strangers and colleagues trying to flirt with him, men and woman alike, even one Jedi Knight, but he’d politely turned them down, making playful remarks and giving an impression that he wasn’t interested in a relationship, however tempting the offer was. He’d had some flings yes, pleasant diversions but no-one had seen through him as fast and as clearly as she. The fact that she’d still tried to befriend him and been intimate with him even after all her discoveries was what made her special for him.

Theron had realized that almost anyone able, smart and attractive enough could’ve taken Nejeenas place in his heart had the circumstances been different but as it were, she’d been the lightning bolt that made his heart pump faster, for different reasons than before. Maybe she’d even been his first love, in many ways at least.

_"I haven’t been one of those 'destiny' people in a long time, but this? Surely feels like it."_

Theron hadn't planned on saying anything like that but after he'd done so, it felt right. _Truthful_.

Nejeena always pried for information, revelations and seeing the slight smirk on her face made Theron realize she’d surely picked the reference of him maybe believing in the destiny in a past. That’s probably how she’d made herself to be so important for him, reading between lines, interpreting the pauses in his sentences and just being her unnaturally observant self.

_"If you mean being here with you, I agree."_

The way she said that, all snark and coy gone, face serious and that newfound fragile undertone in her voice was what made him snap out of the strange middle ground he’d been standing on. He kissed her then, his hands and body trembling, like he halfway expected she was to vaporize and disappear.

But Nejeena was there, her smallest horns scratching his forehead when he tried to lean his head against hers, the rough texture of her hair knotting around his fingers, her sharp nails piercing the thin fabric of his undershirt as she slid her hands under his jacket. It was a reassuring kiss, neither a short and light brush of lips nor a prolonged, heady affair that would lead to more kisses and other ways of fulfilling the need both of them clearly had.

Nejeena pushed him away gently and reluctantly after a while.

_"I'd better get back before I miss my own homecoming party altogether."_

She remarked and gave him a seemingly soothing smile that said she'd be back in his arms soon enough. But her eyes gave an entirely different promise: the searing look she threw at him said: Later. _Tonight_. When we're alone and you're only mine.


	16. All alone in space and time, there's nothing here but what here's mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sucker love is heaven sent.  
> You pucker up, our passion's spent.  
> My hearts a tart, your body's rent.  
> My body's broken, yours is bent.
> 
> In the shape of things to come.  
> Too much poison come undone.  
> Cuz there's nothing else to do,  
> Every me and every you.
> 
> Sucker love is known to swing.  
> Prone to cling and waste these things.  
> Pucker up for heavens sake.  
> There's never been so much at stake.
> 
> I serve my head up on a plate.  
> It's only comfort, calling late.  
> Cuz there's nothing else to do,  
> Every me and every you.
> 
> Like the naked leads the blind.  
> I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind.  
> Sucker love I always find,  
> Someone to bruise and leave behind.
> 
> All alone in space and time.  
> There's nothing here but what here's mine.  
> Something borrowed, something blue.  
> Every me and every you.
> 
> Every me and every you.  
> Every Me...he
> 
> Every You every me / Placebo

_"Nik, I can't believe it's you."_

_"Love."_

They fell into each other's arms like it was the only possible outcome, the forces of loving and longing, set to motion long ago still affecting them and leaving them defenseless.

They embraced each other for quite some time, but eventually Revel seemed to remember the reality once again.

_"Nejeena... I, this is... You should probably know that even though nothing could make me happier than seeing you alive, we can't just pick up the things we left behind five years ago. I don't know where the hell you've been and whether you'd even want to meet me, but..."_

She looked at him, irritation and hurt clear on her face. Implying she'd purposely left him, her lover and husband behind, seemed to rile her up.

_"I left nothing behind! I was captured and stuck in carbonite all this time, forced into supposedly eternal slumber. It was a nightmare of five damn years!"_

Revel reached for her and held his hand on her cheek, like he'd wanted to brush away all the pain and time and uncertainty between them.

_"So you didn't just leave, vanishing because you were fed up with your duties regarding the Dark Council or done with me?"_

Bel pouted and yanked her face away from Andronikos' reach.

_"Idiot. I told you to fly for you life in a situation that was likely suicidal and you supposed I just ran away? Do you really give me that little credit?"_

_"No not really, if I did, it was only on the darkest moments I had. Thinking that you'd done so was even worse than a thought of you dying in a battle, even if it sounds horrible."_

She huffed and tried to put herself together, bracing herself for what she supposed to be the final blow.

_"You said we couldn't even try to work this out. Why?"_

Her voice was unusually quiet and her left hand trembled, no matter how hard she tried to hold still and look calm. Revel wasn't doing any better hiding his distress.

_"See, I'm married to someone else."_

She pulled away completely. A stream of electricity escaped her fingers.

_"You are what now?"_

She almost shouted. But she couldn't help it as she needed not only shout but wanted to scream, to open up the skies and burn everything around her to the ground until there was nothing but ashes left.

Revel faced her wrath with surprising courage. If his past mistakes would end up killing him it would surprise no-one. But he'd never regret loving the woman standing before him.

_"Married. And I have two kids."_

He took her into his arms. She didn't resist but leaned against him, shoulders shaking.

_"In your wedding vows you said it yourself... that you'd always come through for me. But you didn't. I searched for you. I begged you to come back - had the force delivered my prayers for you if I wished hardly enough. I kneeled before your colleagues, asking their help in the search efforts but only few helped, and halfheartedly so."_

Revel tried to look at her but she refused to meet his eyes, so he continued.

_"You once said that if I was to momentarily leave your side, you'd be easy to find, 'cause you were always at the center of things. You changed the reality as we knew it, the course of history, a path of those who followed you and destinies of whole civilizations. Suddenly the whirlwind you caused wherever you went was gone; The world continued its wars and struggles without you, even if I hurried to check every known place in the galaxy, whenever something big was starting to brew. And always came up with nothing._

_After three years it hit me: you were really gone. The fights you had started stopped meaning anything to me, staying on your ship made me want to kill myself, fly into an asteroid field and end the pain. Seeing the lingering expression of loss on the faces of your friends, I say your friends because that's what they mostly were, made me drift away from them; At first I wouldn't admit you were gone and then I felt angry because they had moved on._

_You taught me how to love. How to commit and give away some of my freedom to gain something far greater. When you died, and yes, you were dead to me after few years of waiting for you to miraculously return, I realized there was no going back to my old ways. But what I was supposed to do?_

_I took some sell out jobs and ended up meeting few people who recognized me, even if I had no idea who they were. We'd saved their civilians asses once in the past and now they were mercenaries. I joined them or they joined me, I fought alongside this fierce woman, one thing let to another and now I'm married again."_

She finally looked at him, face blank, eyes cold and distant.

_"So that's it. Simple as that. Not quite the reunion I had in mind when I lied awake harboring a fools hope of still finding you alive one day."_

There was bitterness in her voice, almost dreading tiredness in her movements.

_"Goodbye my love."_

She said and then she was gone. Like the landscape had swallowed her whole. For a moment Revel wondered if this had been just another dream; Had she been a ghost, a figment of his imagination? But when he opened his hand, the one he'd been squeezing into a fist, there was a ring he'd once given her.

He hadn't cried for her, not once. Three long years he'd hoped to see her again and for two years he'd learned to let go of that hope and build a new life for himself.

But now, an unnaturally forceful thunder striking relentlessly in the horizon he cried until there was nothing left in him. No regret, anger, grief or longing, only an emptiness echoing inside him, in the place that her love and light had once made him feel like home.

 

 

 

///

Visual glimpse [here](https://phocahispida.tumblr.com/post/143171695097/phocahispida-you-saw-the-future-one-of-the).


	17. I'm sorry for everything, oh, everything I've done: from the second that I was born it seems I had a loaded gun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, I'm going to mess this up  
> Oh, this is just my luck  
> Over and over and over again
> 
> Am I out of luck?  
> Am I waiting to break?  
> When I keep saying that I'm looking for a way to escape  
> Oh, I'm wishing I had what I'd taken for granted  
> I can't help you when I'm only gonna do you wrong
> 
> In the meantime we let it go  
> At the roadside  
> We used to know  
> We can let this drift away  
> Oh, we let this drift away  
> At the bay side  
> You used to show  
> In the moonlight  
> We let it go  
> We can let this drift away  
> Oh, we let this drift away
> 
> I'm sorry for everything  
> Oh, everything I've done  
> From the second that I was born it seems I had a loaded gun  
> And then I shot, shot, shot a hole through everything I loved  
> Oh, I shot, shot, shot a hole through every single thing that I loved
> 
> Shots / Imagine dragons

Theron lied on his bed. He wanted to work - he needed to work. But at the same time he knew pretending that everything was just like before... it was something he couldn't muster right now. She was likely _there_ right now. Maybe in the arms of another, a longing finally ending. And if she'd find out... whatever was salvageable after her reunion with the love of her life, well it would lie in ruins then at least.

He'd messed things up, big time. The only thing that had made the relationship between him and Nejeena, whether it was friendship with occasional sex or something else - at least for him it had been more, work in a first place had been their mutual trust for each other. They had their differences and completely different upbringings but they were a good team, a working unit like T7 had put it; Not second-guessing and doubting the others motives made them effective. And he'd broke the only rule they used to have, even if it had been unspoken: the promise of not wrecking the trust that they had built.

Someone knocked on his door. _Lana_. He recognized her way of pacing behind the door even before she started to speak. He let her words slide over his back like water from the feathers of a duck. Beniko wasn't even the first one to try to talk to him and he doubted she'd be the last. But none of them could do anything, and if they wished to track the Sith down, he wouldn't do it. Had she known what he had done, or rather left undone, he'd probably be the last person she'd like to see. The thought hurt him surprisingly much.

His own, small holo device beeped and an unknown contact, trying to reach him, caught his attention. He'd purposely missed several calls from the people he knew. When he decided to answer, due to his blasted curiosity, he swore he'd strangle someone if his colleagues had thought calling from a different source would make him discuss the situation with them. His mouth had been squeezed together into an angry line but it followed his jaw and dropped slightly open when he recognized the caller. It was Nejeenas former husband, the renowned Andronikos Revel.

Theron had seen a picture of him in the locket she carried with her and in other memorabilia she kept lying around in her room. He'd even met the man few times before that disaster in Marr's ship. On the surface he seemed to be an easygoing guy but Therons instincts told him he was hiding a darker side: a nasty temper and a dangerous habit of playing only by the rules that helped his one-man team.

_"Hello, agent Shan. It's been long a long time since... Manaan, no. Yavin4? What has it been, almost six years? Anyway, I think I might've stirred a hornet's nest right above your head. Sorry for that. Just wanted to give you a heads-up."_

Well that was unexpected, Theron thought. Even the woman who'd loved the pirate more than anyone had described him as self-centered and sometimes petty. Maybe losing Nejeena had really changed Revel. It had surely changed the man he'd been five years ago.

_"I'm paying for my own mistakes here. Though I was mostly trying to spare her the pain. I did find you, not a long ago, when the paper trail of your new marriage popped up. Figured she'd rather think you're dead. Decided to tell her eventually but didn't have time before..."_

The pirate cringed and looked away for a moment.

_"Hasn't been easy for me either, believe it or not. But I wanted to tell you that if you really want her you gotta fight for her. She deserves someone who's ready to do so."_

_"I've been ready to do that ever since she disappeared."_

Theron knew he'd rarely spoken truer words, but he hadn't realized he felt quite like that, not before he had to confess it.

 _"I guess that makes you the better man. I_ _think quite many things do actually. But comparing our flaws or virtues wasn't why I called. I just wanted to say that since our latest... interaction... Nejeena is hurt, and she’s angry and even if that makes her a helluva good sith in a fight, she might need your help._

_But before you rush to stop her with judgements or some sort of credulous Republic crap, there’s something I’d like you to see. I dunno how much you see her as a woman and how much she is like a glorified general to you, a symbol of a sort. However I'd recommend approaching her as the former._

_Maybe the piece of history you're about to receive helps with that. And Shan, good luck.”_

And then he shut down the connection. A moment later Theron received a message: it was a holo recording of some sort.

Examining it, he realized it was from the wedding ceremony of Revel and Bel. Some of the people standing in the background he'd even met: Talos Drellik, that furious Sith Lord Xalex, a ship droid... But the look on the face, the one and only he'd learned to seek out from every crowd, that was unlike anything he'd never seen personally.

_”Nik, you once said that freedom is all in the mind. Yet you’ve been chasing freedom for your whole life, but stopped that chase to follow me. I’ve been a wandering soul by nature but with you I’m at peace._

_Maybe our souls, trying to find their place in this galaxy, seeking for purpose, release, belonging, decided both at the same time that they were tired of running, at least they didn't want to keep on fleeing alone._

_Freely given love is one of the best and brightest things in life. Giving yourself for someone to hold, love, and promising to stay, not because you have to, but because it’s the only thing that feels right to do, it’s real freedom.”_

It was pure adoration, a very unlikely expression to be seen on a woman with such powers and titles as she had, but she wore it on her face nevertheless. Unapologetically, with certainty and pride.

_"With this ring I give you a part of me, a piece of my life force; You’ll always have part of me with you, literally and figuratively. I’ll carry our shared memories and cherish the time we’ve had, and will get together, as long as my hearts are beating. And I hope you’ll remember me, if I’ll go out lightsabers humming or force storms raining death... before you._

_I'll be your lover as long as you'll have me. But first and foremost I'm your friend and whether we'll be an item forever, I promise to always be there for you. Whenever you need me, I’ll find you._  

_With you, I am free, I am whole. There’s no need for me to run, I want to stand my ground and tell everyone how much I love you.”_

 

Theron noticed he was crying. A lonely tear ran over his cheekbone and stopped in his stubble.

That story has ended. Those two never grew old together, raised children, though she had carried two children of his. They had few good years together, that’s all. And then she died. Or so Revel had thought - and now she had to live in a world where all her loved ones had moved on. Watching this was bittersweet, seeing her past self like this, when somewhere in the blackness of the space she was breaking apart.

There was another tear forming, but it had really fallen years ago; Revel was speechless for a long time. He swallowed hard and his voice was even more rugged than usually as he spoke.

_”I love you. I want to…”_

Something changed on Nejeenas face. The happiness seemed to overflow and tears rolled to her face. Theron had grasped that the pirate probably wasn’t one to confess his love too freely.

Revel tried to continue but was unable to do so. The Sith leaned closer and almost whispered her last words to him, so that they were barely audible on the holo.

_”Who needs words.”_

She kissed him then, longingly and fiercely at first, but towards its end the kiss lingered and was almost gentle. The audience cheered, a huge Dashade stomped his feet and a female Togruta smiled through her tears as Nejeena hugged her. Theron shut down the holo when Revel grabbed her newlywed bride and started to carry her away. She was yelling something about _not missing the cake this time_ but the laughter around them drowned her words.

He had seen enough. Diving this deep into the emotions he never knew any holo, let alone wedding footage, could bring up, had given him a massive headache.

A single phrase had sticked into his mind and he had to restart the holo and find the moment where Bel had given her husband a way out of a possibly embarrassing situation. Yes, she had emotionally ambushed him with her speech, vows, whatever they should be called. But she needn’t to hear him stumble through similar confessions. She’d said to Theron that, for her, actions always spoke louder than words when it came to the matters of heart and the pirate was marrying her the very moment. That clearly was enough commitment for her.

 _Who needs words._ There was a moment when she’d said those words to him too. As the imminent threat of Revanites was over, Theron had tried to muddle through his mixed feelings for her, fighting a lost fight, even if he didn’t know that just yet. He was horrible when it came to relationships. And goodbyes… well those he avoided like plague. Even so, he couldn’t just walk away when the time came, after Yavin4.

Few days later he had wondered, what he’d wished to accomplish with those goodbyes. A Darth to leave her husband, allies, friends and position of power and run away with him? Sweet nothings, heartfelt confessions or rather a certainty of their dalliance being just that, a lighthearted, flirtatious fling and nothing more? Even after all these years he couldn’t tell. Had he really assumed to get closure of some sort?

She had seen through him, sensed his imbalance, the way he wavered on an unknown edge. Nejeena had probably known that nothing they said back then would’ve changed the course of their relationship, future or the destiny of either one, so she had brushed away his explanations and kissed him goodbye. Then she had walked away, making it easier for him to let go, get back to work, which was what he needed to do, or so he had convinced himself.

He stared into empty space in quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One day, whether you are 14, 28 or 65,  
> you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die.  
> However, the saddest, most awful truth you will ever come to find––  
> is they are not always with whom we spend our lives.
> 
> — Beau Taplin, Hunting Season


	18. Have you no idea that you're in deep: I dreamt about you nearly every night this week, how many secrets can you keep?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have you no idea that you're in deep?  
> I've dreamt about you nearly every night this week  
> How many secrets can you keep?
> 
> 'Cause there's this tune I found   
> That makes me think of you somehow   
> And I play it on repeat  
> Until I fall asleep spilling drinks on my settee
> 
> Crawling back to you  
> Ever thought of calling when you've had a few?  
> 'Cause I always do  
> Maybe I'm too   
> Busy being yours to fall for somebody new
> 
> Do I wanna know / Arctic Monkeys

Nejeena was back but the second she stepped out of her ship Theron felt a fist clenching around his throat. The face of the woman he'd been waiting to return for days now was emotionless and she walked stiffly, talking in short, clipped sentences. She headed straight to their command center. Theron tried to engage in a conversation but she almost pushed him out of the way.

The reports they’d been receiving indicated she’d taken care of the requisitions her contacts had given her, securing resources and alliances alike. But after that, few days of silence. Without getting that call from Revel he would have been worried sick but now he'd been left with a task of reassuring Lana and others that Darth Imperius was fine without letting out details of how he knew that.

Had she been with Revel for a long time? How did she find him? What had happened between them? Theron felt feverish, agitated, he needed some information, so he did something he shouldn’t probably have done and sneaked into the Fury. Doing things he should've left undone, it was becoming a pattern these days.

The small droid Darth Imperius liked surprisingly much was still in the ship, apparently going through some mission logs or running small maintenance tasks. It was otherwise quiet. Theron remembered how Nejeena had looked when she’d entered the ship the first time after being captured. She’d wandered in the rooms slowly, taking in space after space: cargo hold, crew bunks, comm room, ending up into the cockpit. She’d froze still every now and then, like she’d remembered something and someone, touching some items that were still lying around, forgotten and lost. She'd laughed when she found a sword hanging on a wall but it had been a dry, bitter laugh without any joy.

In the cockpit she went all the way through the room. Theron had stopped in the doorway, waiting when Nejeena stared out of the window. She had sighed and looked older, more tired, pride and power leaking out of her body drop by drop, as she leaned against the glass.

_”He loved staring into the space, facing the unknown, gazing at all the possibilities and adventures waiting somewhere in there. I thought we’d be together, like family: and if some of the others would leave us to build their own lives at some point, I’d at least have Nik by my side.”_

Theron shrugged the memory away and turned to speak to T7.

_”Hey buddy could you show me your latest travel route?”_

_”Theron shan = authorization to requested files unclear.”_

T7 beeped and looked as apologetic as a droid even could look. Theron had this cold, ominous feeling in his gut, like all he'd been building up was coming crumbling down and there was nothing he could do. All he tried to do would be seen as too little too late.

_”I’m worried about Darth Imper - Nejeena. I’m her friend and I’d like to find out what made her so upset.”_

_”T7 = thinks Theron should talk to her in person.”_

_”I tried but she stormed away. Please T7, help me out in here.”_

Taking relationship advice from a droid. That he hadn't yet tried. But considering his track record... Maybe he shouldn’t brush even droids help away.

_”T7 = hopes this will help more than hurt.”_

Theron opened the log and the coordinates of the last stop made by the crew of Fury confirmed that Nejeena had indeed been in the area where Revel supposedly lived, but not for a long time. The notes in the report placed her quite close to the area due to her original mission but he still wondered how she'd found the man. He headed towards the command center, dragging his feet, like getting there as slowly as possible would make his problems and failures go away or at least ease up a little.

\---

_"Give me something, anything to do. I need to blow something up."_

Darth Imperius was angry. Koth had never seen her that Sith-like before and Senya had a suspicious look in her eyes like she tried to find out whether her crazed ex-husband, former Emperor, Valkorion, or _old fool_ , as Nejeena called him had finally taken over.

_”What happened?”_

Lana asked the moment she stepped in. It was like the Commanders inner struggle gave her a vicious headache as well. Nejeena shrugged.

_”I discovered the whereabouts of my long-lost husband. He didn't wish to be found though. Despite of that the almighty Force decided I needed to find him and feel even more beaten up than before."_

Silence fell into the room. Those with connection to the Force could feel Nejeenas power twisting and turning and shredding the insides of its vessel like a rabid beast and anyone who’d worked with her even for a while could tell she wasn’t too happy, even without any hints given by otherworldly sources. Nobody dared to ask what had happened.

_”All I ask from you is something, anything I can crush and kill with a good enough reason to do so.”_

Nejeena said. Given the situation they were in, grasping for threads to survive long enough to get a fighting chance against Arcann, they had relatively little she could do right now. She did not want to trade or make plans or run negotiations for alliances - she needed an outlet, a spree of murder an mayhem.

_"I might be able to help you with that."_

_"Miot Dengd, the man of the hour. What do you have for me?"_

Nejeena asked and turned to look at the small alien who had followed her into the meeting, and was one of the best researchers they had, surprising them regularly with his comprehensive knowledge on many fields.

_"Shan, care to help me out? You have the latest reports, right?"_

Dendg asked. Theron cleared his throat. The situation in the base had been catastrophic while Nejeena had been gone, not that they weren’t lucky compared to those whose lives had ended so abruptly this very morning. Whatever things he had to sort out with the Commander later, this was an issue he _needed_ to address to her; This was business and _boy_ that he knew how to stick to the facts and keep on working, no matter what.

_"Yes. We lost a lot of good men and woman today. They were mounting a resistance. Locals. Imperials — they had resources, a plan, a base of operations… Miot was arranging to smuggle weapons. Gone. They´re all gone, The Star Fortress over Bothawul vaporized every last trace, last rebel and then just… moved on, like it didn’t matter anymore."_

Nejeena would've furrowed her brows if she had any but she managed to imitate the expression. She was clearly putting together all the small and scattered pieces of information floating around in her head.

_"Star fortress? Is that what your specialists were arguing about before I left?”_

_"Couldn’t figure out what to do about them. Still can’t. Bey’wan Aygo was looking into it. Now he’s busy trying to reach out his fellow Bothans, so this falls on me."_

Theron explained and Dengd suggested he'd show the holo to the Commander. The blue light filled the room and a reflection of a huge space station looming over a planet looked even more ominous than before now that they knew at least some of its potential.

_"The Star Fortresses are battle stations - deadly and pervasive. Arcann’s way of keeping the galaxy pliant. So many worlds we can’t even contact because of these things. There are dozens, maybe hundreds. We’ve tried everything to learn about the inner workings, weaknesses and came up with nothing. And now this…"_

A bright, deadly ray lit up and as the beam pierced the orbit and hit the ground, everyone standing in the room had the same expression on their face, it’s intensity and manifestation varying but all of them showed fear. Pure horror they felt towards the massive death-toll and colossal destruction the station caused so nonchalantly. Theron continued. Galactic super weapons: business as usual.

_”Right now they’re surpressing, but that’s just to bide their time. I feel it, Commander - Arcann’s got a plan for those things. The kind of plan you don’t recover from.”_

Nejeenas fists clenched and it was like she was a warship that had just set its course towards an enemy it had detected, whoever controlling the ship deemeding the opponent worthy. Whatever sorrow or anger she’d shown was now transforming into cold, calculative fury she could use as her fuel in a fight.

_”Point me to a Star Fortress. I’ll go.”_

_”You’ll go. And do what? Die?”_

Theron did realize he was out of line, vocalizing his worry like this but he could not stand the thought of her going against… whatever they had just seen. She was too valuable to their alliance, to their cause, as a person of interest for so many, and to him, first and foremost his concerns twisted around the fear of losing her, not the rationalizations he tried to make. Miot tried to soften Therons outburst, continuing with constructive ideas like nothing had happened.

_”We could try what we talked about. Stealth our way in.”_

Had this been anyone else he were to send on a mission, he’d considered Dengd’s idea carefully but now he just wanted to… No, he could not keep the Sith with him and even if she’d stay, he could not protect him any better than anyone else. The thought was crippling in all its grimness.

_”Without the faintest clue of what we’re up against, it’s a massive risk…”_

Nejeena pivoted and simply walked away, heading to the military hangar. She never walked away from a fight and at the moment she probably didn’t have a very high opinion of him to begin with. And acting like a coward, maybe a smart and careful one, but a coward nevertheless couldn’t help. Theron was actually a tad surprised she hadn’t brought up his mistake by now.

_”All right we have to do something. I’ll go too - try to make heads or tails so we know how to deal with them.”_

He said and followed her. It was simple as that, he’d just rear her trail as long as she’d let him. If she’d take him with her after he’d kept her husbands location, the one thing she’d worked restlessly to define, from her…

_”Are you coming then? Time is kinda of the essence here.”_

_”Be right there with you Commander.”_

Maybe, just maybe she wasn't so angry at him after all.

—

When Marklo started his rant about _Sith this and Sith that_ Theron flinched. But Nejeena seemed to only care about the oncoming mission, for the Lieutenants sake at least.

_”Good luck. If you manage to get inside of those things, blow it apart.”_

Said the man wearing his former Republic career on his sleeve so embarrassingly pointedly it was almost a statement. It had taken him months to figure out the woman he had allied and served with didn’t care about titles, positions or what sort of insignia one decided to carry around, as long as they fought for the same cause. And these days it was so obvious to him that only this kind of moments reminded him of how rare such open-mindedness was amongst the Sith.

_”Sure thing.”_

She said and she looked crueler and more indifferent than ever before. Well, she was still a Sith and a very powerful and angry on on top of that. The girl she’d been before her training and struggles was forever gone and Theron was afraid losing her husband would resort in him losing the woman he… The door hissed loudly and Theron snapped back into the reality. Tey sat in the shuttle, waiting for Lana to arrive. Nejeena was restless, her hand fiddled on the head of her lightsaber and the other one tapped the wall next to her.

_"The last time you left planetside and I heard where you were heading I was worried… Are you okay?"_

The realization lit both their eyes at the same time. Nejeena clearly just figured out his betrayal and Theron understood _she hadn't actually known_ before his tacky, accidental confession. Revel had surely known. That much Theron had figured out as he talked to the pirate; He must've been warned when someone requested to see his files but apparently he hadn't told his ex-wife that she could've reached out to him weeks earlier. Maybe it was a perfectly valid way of doing things, keeping secrets form even those closest to you, but for a spy Theron had always been an obnoxiously honest man.

_"You knew he was there. You knew all along."_

He couldn't face her at first but when he finally lifted his gaze he could see a powerless, tired and hurtful expression on her face. Nejeenas hand trembled and she backed away form him.

_"No! I discovered out his location only few weeks ago; I’d gone through every possible lead and contacted anyone with dealings with either pirates, smugglers or your former colleagues but nothing came up. The man was like a ghost. But then sorting through seemingly trivial papertrail paid off and I found nothing less than his marriage certificate. And then I couldn’t find the right words for telling about **that**  to you and I wanted you to be the first of us to know and… You left to run a mission and then another right after that and I wanted to tell you in person. I’m sorry for keeping this from you, I really am."_

She looked defeated and somehow it was much worse than the rage, sarcastic indifference or arrogance she often oozed if she was at-arms with someone.

_"So you slept with me, kissed me and lied to my face all that time. Well played Shan. No wonder they handed you all those undercover jobs. What did you think to achieve with this? Maintaining me functioning like a good Commander-droid - hm? A meltdown isn't good for rebellion business, isn’t it? Or something more petty like keeping me as your personal source of amusement?"_

_"Stop it. The last thing I wanted was to mislead or hurt you."_

Theron said. His voice almost inaudible. He wanted to make things better, to go back in time, to blurt his findings out, disregarding however improper the current situation would be for such reveal. He'd make sure Nejeena had her marriage back if it would only fix this tear between them. If troubled him that he considered it being worse option than let's say, shooting himself in a leg. He was so deep...

Lana climbed in, looking at Nejeena and then at Theron and back at the stone-faced Darth.

_"I'm guessing you're not in the mood for sharing?"_

Both sat in silence. The engine started and its humming was soothing, even if ever so slightly. They left the Odessen behind and Theron witnessed the Sith doing something unnervingly Jedi-like. Nejeena 'switched herself off', showing no emotions whatsoever. Lana said she'd been like this after they'd rescued her from the carbonite but Theron had never truly believed the extent of the difference in her behavior. Until now. To think he'd played some part in this transition, however small, horrified him. This wasn't the woman he had waited all those years, whom he'd accompany anywhere and wished to...

_"Belsavis. So many good memories there."_

Lana said as their speed dropped and Theron had to concentrate in flying them closer to the Star Fortress without being detected.

_"What? Planet full of convicted psycho killers?"_

Theron asked and checked everything was fine for the Sith-squad to board the massive construction floating in the space.

_"I was thinking more along those lines that if we fail, most of those in the ground had it coming years ago."_

Lana said and both women readied themselves for boarding the Star Fortress.

_”I’ll stay back and monitor the situation from here. All the data you manage to collect and I’ll be able to pick up from here, I’ll forward to our scientists, mainly Miot, to the Odessen and they can sort it through with more beefy equipment than what we managed to stuff into the shuttle. Stay safe.”_

He added, but before he finished his sentence they were already gone. All he had was a humm of Lanas lightsaber on the comm line. After her return, Nejeena had assumed a habit of reassuring him with few well chosen words or some joke, reference or sarcastic comment both of them understood. But now all he could hear was sounds of a battle and series of screams as Nejeena mercilessly carved a path through the first floor of the fortress. If she’d followed his advice she should be heading downwards, in order to find the strange energy source Theron had picked. She’d been unusually quiet ovet the comm and even if it might be because of their latest dispute, at some point Theron felt like he should check up on them.

_”Lana, how you’re doing down there?”_

_”Fine and Imperius seems to be fine too. Haven’t heard a word from her in a while.”_

The panic rushed back and Theron felt dizzy. Beniko couldn’t have left her alone when she was so upset, hurt, furious. Even Lana couldn’t be so… blind.

_”What do you mean you haven’t heard of… Lana!”_

_”Theron, you should know very well, it’s not the first time we’ve spilt up to cover and scout the area more efficiently and this time she insisted that I’d stay out of her way.”_

Always so practical, trusting into others to be as controlled and composed as herself. He itched to slap her face and for a moment he was happy he wasn’t standing next to Beniko right now. This was exactly like in Rishi. She was ready to sacrifice others if needed to be. And she gave them too much credit sometimes. Had he been there he could’ve stayed with Nejeena.

_”I’m going after her!”_

_”What if there’s more things you should slice or bypass or… What if we need to escape with the shuttle… Shan, you are endangering the whole mission. Stay put! That’s an order, stay put.”_

_"You have no authority to order me around. Fuck the mission. Fuck it all! I’m going."_

He had given her up once, thinking they might meet one day or then not, that he could take it if he'd never see her again. How well had that worked out? What if he'd be too late this time too, not figuring out what he wanted but in order to save her? He couldn't tell whom or what he prayed, some ancestors, all the known gods of the galaxy, the Force but the words escaped his lips like water flooded out of a broken vase. They pounded in his head as he ran. _Please, please, don't take her away again._


	19. And promise not to promise anymore, and if you come around again, then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sky looks pissed  
> The wind talks back  
> My bones are shifting in my skin  
> And you, my love, are gone
> 
> My room feels wrong  
> The bed won't fit  
> I cannot seem to operate  
> And you, my love, are gone
> 
> So glide away on soapy heels  
> And promise not to promise anymore  
> And if you come around again  
> Then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door
> 
> I'll never say that I'll never love  
> But I don't say a lot of things  
> And you, my love, are gone
> 
> The Chain / Ingrid Michaelson

The corridors were filled with corpses. Scientist, soldiers, Knights of Zakuul, so some humans too, but as running closer revealed, mostly Skytroopers. Tens, hundreds of them, a sharp smell of electricity lingering in the air as he ran ever downwards, waiting in terror that behind the next corner he’d see her lifeless body lying on the ground, eyes staring beyond this world. And if not after this one, then the next one.

Suddenly there was some noise over the comm again and he heard Nejeenas voice. Her breath was ragged and Theron could hear shouting and gunfire on the background. Yet it was the most beautiful thing he’d heard in ages.

_”He's not enslaving only individuals but whole nations, civilizations, making them grouch under his terror, their pride and destiny trampled under his feet. They are hostages, tools, chips for bargaining and he’s taken all freedom of choice away from them. No tyrant turns half of the known galaxy into his slaves on my watch. I won’t allow it!”_

And then she was gone again. Theron had shouted her name but he realized that only afterwards, as he heard it echoing in the empty hall in a ghastly manner. In some parts of the fortress crevice run on the walls and lights were out. Doors were torn from their attachments and tossed aside. Once again he was reminded of the force that resided inside the seemingly average woman, who spent time with her friends laughing over the drinks, who touched his shoulder whenever someone mentioned themes she knew were hurtful for him or was jealous for those women who had more hair than she had. She could do such mundane things day after day, yet tear whole battle stations apart.

Theron finally reached the heart of the fight. Wave after wave of Skytroopers had fallen before Nejeena and now she was battling some sort of AI, that sent cyborgs and droids at her with an increasing pace, like it knew it had lost to her at this point, no matter what tricks it pulled out of its virtual sleeve. Theron could not rush to her side as the room was filled with lightning, like she’d push all of her power at her enemy at once, not caring if she’d drain herself, breaking her body and mind as she did that. Maybe she didn’t.

The fight ended abruptly with a loud bang and flash so bright it blinded him for a moment - the AI was destructed. Just as it did, Nejeena fell. She lied there, barely conscious, life escaping her body, like in his nightmares, her skin losing its usual deep color too fast, as Theron collected her into his fathom. This started to feel like a habit, her ending up in situations that threatened her life or rather killed her on the spot.

Theron could feel her heartbeat against his arms, first one, erratic beat, then he could separate another rhythm. The hearts weren’t in an unison with each other, another one skipping few beats all the time, and he could feel Nejeenas body starting to tremble, her breath getting thinner and then she collapsed, her eyes rolling over but a strangely victorious smile on her lips, like she’d foreseen this would happen and it had been her objective all along.

And before her eyes fell shut Theron saw they weren’t of their usual yellow color but dark, almost reddish orange. She’d used so much power, been in so much pain or rage that the corruption of Dark Side had touched her more than he’d ever seen or heard it affecting her. It was bad, even if she’d make it. She had to make it. He’d force her to make it if he had to. He cradled her in his arms, unsure of what to do, cursing his impotence in helping her, the body he lusted and had shared moments of tenderness with but which was so alien he could not apply the knowledge he had about human physics into saving her. The panic started to creep in: he felt like he couldn’t breath but then someone pushed him aside.

In a flash of golden hair Lana was sitting between him and Nejeena, pushing her chest and then a bright lightning lit up the room. Nejeena sprung up, grasping for breath and then Lana anchored her, gripping her arms, hugging her. A sight Theron hadn’t expected to see.

_"What did you do to her? Is she going to be alright?"_

He asked, knowing Lana probably didn't have answers to his inquiries, the latter one at least.

_”This idiot caused herself arrhythmia. I can't promise I fixed the problem entirely and if her hearts don't work in synchronization, the proper blood flow will be compromised again. If they're not in synch, both hearts will start fibrillating, leading to death. Two hearts aren't meant to work against each other. To stabilize her and get her to proper medical care we'll have to get her into the shuttle as fast as possible. You carry her. I'll clear the path for us if there's anyone alive in this place to oppose us.”_

Lana barked. They escaped the fortress without any interruptions and as soon as they got into the shuttle Theron lowered Nejeenas legs carefully onto the floor, but kept her head and upper body against his. Her hearts were again beating with the joint pace but weakly. Nejeena was still pale and silent. Lana glanced at Theron and seemed to decide it would be better if she tried to get them out, so she took over the controls of the shuttle. Theron didn’t care what she did or what she thought about him when he buried his nose into Nejeenas hair and whispered pleads, prayers into her ear, against her cheek and neck.

_”Don't leave me alone. Please… I — need you. I can’t do this alone — not anymore. Please.”_

She moved her head slightly and Theron could see her resurrection skills lighting up the room around them. Those veins of hers that had been almost dark violet started to turn into their normal shade, like her body had rejected the corruption of the Dark Side as soon as it had any energy left for doing so. She'd stayed level headed for years, not corrupting herself and if he could do anything to keep things that way, he'd be there to help her. Fighting against the darkness creeping inside her - Nejeena had done it so casually and seemingly with ease he hadn't given it much thought after he'd learned to know her. Of course he'd wondered how corrupted she was at first, when she was just another Sith for him but this had surely reminded him that she wasn't invincible or immune to the effects of the dark side of the Force.

Nejeenas body shivered and Theron carefully slid her arms into the sleeves of his jacket. He could wrap her upper body into the jacket so easily it would've been comical unless the woman in his arms had almost died a moment ago; Seeing the havoc she'd wreaked in the fortress but fitting into his jacket like it was a loan from her fathers cabinet was kind of adorable. Besides there wasn't exactly stuff like blankets lying around in the shuttle like this and he surely didn't want to leave her when she was like this, even for a moment. So he held her until she was warmer and eventually fell into a healing, normal sleep instead of being unconscious.

\---

Someone was singing a soothing, painstakingly beautiful song near her. Maybe she was dead and finally reunited with her parents? But no, her mother had not known that language, and even thought the melody raised tears into her eyes with all the bittersweet fairness in it, she didn't remember ever hearing this piece of music before. She tried to open her eyes but it felt like she had sand under her eyelids and it scratched her eyeballs. Her mouth was dry as well, like she'd had a cloth stuck in it for hours. 

_"Water."_

She managed to groan, or whisper. A pitiful sound nevertheless. She heard armor clanking next to her and someone hurried away, returning shortly with a glass. Senya, Nejeena concluded, as she raised her head so that she could take a careful sip at first and then longer once, emptying one glass and then two more in a row. Lights hurt her eyes but she forced them open anyhow. 

She was in Odessen, in the medical bay of their Base but how had she ended up in here? The first thing she remembered was the darkness: cold, slippery feeling like trying to climb over underwater rocks, in order to breathe but falling down over and over again. Drowning, the viscous blackness swallowing her. She panicked and threw away her blankets to see her arms and body.

Had she just dreamed the almost black veins that underlined her defeat against the corruption she'd fought against as long as she could remember? Her mother had said Nejeena would carry the darkness inside as a birthright, a legacy her mother passed on to her. It was both a blessing and a curse and she had thought she could control it by now, walk the line so carefully she wouldn't stumble anymore.

Why she'd fallen like this? Why... _Nik_. The pain flooded over her with such force she had to lie back and curl in a tight ball. But it was a short tremor and after it came a dull, numbed ache. She'd spend almost all of her love, pain, regret in the assault that had nearly killed her.

Had she wished to die? On some level that she hadn't acknowledged before it was too late. Maybe losing all that mattered to her over and over again had been too much to bear. What made her strong also made her break. Such a cliché for a Sith. But a truth she shouldn't brush away so casually, it would seem.

_"How are you feeling?"_

Senya asked, offering her a ration bar. Nejeena ate it, even though every bite was its own struggle against the nauseating feeling she always got when her stomach had been empty for too long. The older woman looked concerned, very motherly. Nejeena wondered how it would've shaped the galaxy had she stayed with her children, had they gotten the love of at least somewhat normal parent, whether they appreciated it at the time or not.

_"Like that whole Star Fortress landed on me."_

_"Well that place won't be up and running anytime soon. It's not destroyed but very much crippled and you took it down almost single-handedly. No-one is supposed to try something like that."_

Senya said, a fair amount of blame hidden in her words. Nejeena knew she'd been foolish but there was nothing she could do about it now.

_"I had Lana with me. Surely such a capable and devorated Sith Lord counts as an asset."_

_"She would've been one hadn't she been knocked out and imprisoned."_

Senya said and Nejeena shook her head. Why didn't she have any recollection of such thing happening? What else had she forgotten? There was something about Theron that scratched the back of her mind like a baby Lynx, trying to get out of a transporting box.

Just before she'd fallen into the all-consuming darkness she'd seen him running towards her. Nejeena had vague glimpses of Theron carrying her and trying to pull her above the surface with his words. She'd been angry at him when she rushed into the battle but whether it had been the way she gave her all in the last stand of hers, or the way he'd called her name in the dark, whatever it was, she couldn't find any anger towards him within herself.

But where was he now? Had this whole display finally chased him away, made him realize she was a monster, a killer, a storm that couldn't always be controlled. That she'd always have her Dark Side, its song calling for her somewhere behind her conscious thoughts. She might kill him, hurt him if she'd finally go mad because of the corruption.

The thought of losing him, too, hurt Nejeena more than she'd though it would. He'd been there for her ever since she arrived into the Odessen and he'd refused to give up on her when she lied captive in a carbonite. He'd helped and supported her and held her in his arms whenever she needed someone to anchor her into this world, into this body. Theron had been an ally, a friend and a lover, and since he wasn't here, he'd probably decided she was more trouble than she was worth.

Nejeena had known her path would be a lonesome one ever since she'd been forced to leave her family on a desert, unburied, without blessing or honor. The lizards and birds had gnawed their bones clean, beasts and winds scattering them all over the planet that had been their home. She'd have to face her darkness alone, no matter how much she yearned to have someone who'd gone through the same.

_That is unlikely. I sensed a very unique form of the Force in you when I offered you my help. There's the touch of Sith techniques of course, the ancient blood of their lords running in your veins. But also something else, a deeper undercurrent of a sorcery that is based on tapping into all the energy around us: nature, animals, humans, the planet itself. You have a natural ability that I would've mastered and exploited while rising into power, whereas you use it only by accident, because you're too afraid of the true greatness._

_You are foolish to think bloodline such as yours is a mere coincidence, result of an unforeseen love and maybe good fortune. It's destiny. A legacy of the last remnant of once glorius Sith family entwined together with a heritage of witchery and mixed race of the dual players of a planet that holds a tremendous power. And then there's the fact that you've been built from the scratch by a technology belonging to a supposedly extinct race that deemed you worthy of their gift. That's destiny in the making my child. Had you kept you promise we could've achieved glorious things and embraced your destined path for a long time by now. But it's not too late._

Nejeena chose to ignore Valkorion. She'd told him several times that she'd kneeled before him only to by some time, to figure out how she could weasel her way out of current situation. We'll that had backfired in quite a horrible manner. But so had many other choices of hers. The thought made her grin bitterly.

And when it came to embracing her legacy as Valkorion put it, he usually meant draining whole planets and civilizations, killing millions of people and absorbing their power. The fact that Valkorion considered not using such power a weakness told more than enough of the man living in her head. Nejeena had learned that Valkorion didn't hear her exact thoughts unless she vocalized them but grasped things through her feelings. And he must've felt her growing disgust towards him as he quieted, a wave of anger hitting Nejeenas mind as an end result or a temporary goodbye. 

Senya stared at her, probably wondering where she'd disappeared in her thoughts. Nejeena smiled at her reassuringly and tried to remember what they'd been discussing about.

_"Lana never mentioned getting caught and thrown into a cell over the comm. Is she alright?"_

_"Don't think she had a chance to inform you between breaking out and saving you. So maybe she wasn't just trying to save face after all."_

Senya said and looked amused. Then she glanced at a corner of a room where someone was sleeping in a chair, a blanket thrown over their head, in a very uncomfortable looking position. 

_"Should we wake up agent Shan? He'd been sitting next to your bed almost through day and night but I made him to take a nap before he'd fallen asleep all over your lap."_

Nejeena was about to answer when the words got stuck into her throat. It was a highly unusual thing to happen but luckily Senya was one of those people who could interpret body language and expression intuitively. She helped her to sit against a pile of pillows and walked across the room to shake Theron awake. Senya raised her hand and waved a little before she headed out, leaving just the two of them into the room.

Theron was still cleary drowsy, his hair a mess and his eyes foggy but when he realized she was awake, he managed to move with a considerable speed and accuracy.

_"Hey you. No need to grow a pair of wings, it's not like I'm going anywhere."_

She wondered whether her voice gave as light and playful impression as she wished it to do. There was still this strange tender feeling in her heart, a silent joy in her mind that made her rather earnest.

_"Wasn't sure about that back there. You pushed yourself too hard and I feared that you'd..."_

_"What did you say. I didn't quite get that. Was it something about how awsome it was when I overpowered every single enemy in a huge Star Fortress."_

_"This isn't fun. I told you the moment we left it was too big a risk to strike with such a small team but you insisted. Did you care at all about those you were to leave behind if you'd managed to kill yourself in a suicide mission of your own choosing?"_

Theron had longer stubble than usually and he had dark undereyes. His jacket was missing and he looked smaller without it, more fragile. He had clenched his hand into fists and furrowed his eyebrows. It looked like he desperately tried to keep himsef from throwing any more accusations against her actions. 

She would've deserved those rebukes and more. Nejeena did get it, she'd been reckless and selfish and resorted into the ways she would've used to resolve her emotional distress when se was younger. But not anymore. Nothing but losing the man she'd... losing Nik, could have pushed her over the edge.

_"I'm sorry. It was my mistake."_

She said. Nothing more. Theron stared at her, his mouth slightly open, hands opening and eyes widened like she'd pulled a tropical bird out of his ear or something like that. 

Then he laughed, wrinkles emergeding around his eyes and his shoulders shaking. It was a contagious laughter, born in the aftermath of nearly death experience, out of worry and fear and then relief and gratefulness. Nejeena could feel her nose crinkling and the bubbling in her stomach turning into howling that erupted out of her mouth. Theron leaned to her, laughing nearly uncontrollably, the noise he made being close to giggling.

Nejeena raised his head, fingers curled around his chin and looking into his eyes that reminded him of the lush forests of Belsavis or foggy swamps of Zakuul. They were of deeper shade of green in this light. She'd learned by now that they seemed to change color depending on the lightning and Therons state of mind. 

The smile hadn't yet died on their lips before they merged together, sliding against each other, testing the waters after the emotional turmoil both of them had been through. At first it was just a gentle sweep but somehow it never stayed like that between them. Therons hands roamed Nejeenas body and her fingers were pulling his hair whilst she kissed his neck and collarbones.

\---

When they ended the kiss, painfully aware of their surroundings as a loud and sizable group of soldiers barged in carrying their wounded companion on stretchers, Theron couldn't let her go so he just lingered, hands behind her neck, foreheads almost touching.

There was a raging bushfire in her eyes, the glow of orange neon lights that illuminated the walls of an illegal bar in Nar Shaddaa, the last struggle of some ancient insect forever trapped into a block of amber. The golden sunrise in the middle of the endless sand dynes of Tatooine, a rare delight of sitting next to a campfire.

And something in the way her fingers brushed his hair, lingered on his features and entwined with his own told him that this was more to her than a distraction, way of forgetting the latest loss of hers. They were sinking, slowly drifting to deeper, murkier waters, their bodies getting cold and weary so slowly it would be too late to notice how weak they were become. They wouldn't be any wiser before it was too late to resist the current that pulled them into the depths. But if he had to drown, to let go of all certainty and safety, he'd always wish to deluge holding her in his arms. 

The way she looked at him, it had changed from amusement and coyness into something more fierce, devouring. It made him think, for the first time, that she might want to hold on to him until the very end. Whatever that might bring.


	20. My back's against the wall, cut me open: I'm just trying to breathe, just trying to figure it out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I ruled the world.  
> With these hands I shook the heavens to the ground.  
> I laid the gods to rest.  
> I held the key to the kingdom.  
> Lions guarding castle walls.  
> Hail the king of death.
> 
> I stood above  
> Another war,  
> Another jewel upon the crown.  
> I was the fear of men.  
> But I was blind.  
> I couldn't see the world there right in front of me.  
> But now I can
> 
> 'Cause I lost it all  
> Dead and broken.  
> My back's against the wall.  
> Cut me open.  
> I'm just trying to breathe,  
> Just trying to figure it out  
> Because I built these walls to watch them crumbling down.  
> I said, "Then I lost it all."  
> Who can save me now?
> 
> I believe that we all fall down sometimes  
> Can't you see that we all fall down sometimes?
> 
> Lost it all / Black veil brides

They were sitting in the Cantina where Koth had dragged them to unwind, as he called it. They’d drank few drinks out of the goodness of their hearts in comparison, like Lana had put it but now they changed looks with each other, trying to make up a reason for cutting this nights social duties short. Before neither of them was able to come up with an excuse for leaving the cantina, each for their separate ways, Lana stiffened, her body freezing to a place.

_"Someone is in here, wanting her, pushing over the edge. She’s… hurt, screaming inside, trapped. Someone is pulling her under water but she doesn't want to fight back."_

Lanas golden eyes had this slightly disoriented look that gave up they didn't really focus on any point - in this physical reality at least. Her hands were squeezed into fists so tightly her knuckles whitened and then she reached out towards the very same spot in this universe where Theron felt an inevitable pull every waking our of his. Usually he could fight it, push it aside well enough to get some things done but now he _needed_ to know, to understand.

He grabbed Lanas shoulders and shook her more forcefully than necessary. People were staring at them. Beniko snapped out of her absentminded state and looked at Therons halfway panicked face.

_"What is it?"_

He asked, demanding answers. Lana furrowed her impressive eyebrows like she'd consider him to be either unfit for his duties or at least unbearably obviously about things that happened around him.

_"Don't you really feel this? And you're supposed to have some sort of relationship with her. Hrmph."_

There it was again. A faint trail of jealousy, an aura of superiority and a quite direct implication of him being unfit for Nejeena as he could not feel the changes in her emotions through the Force. Because they were surely talking about her, that much was clear at this point.

Suddenly Lana seemed to really grasp what she'd seen. And then she ran like a pack of Tonitrans snapping on her heels. Theron felt liquid blotting his pants: he’d knocked over the remaining stiff bottom of his drink as he rushed after Lana to see, whether Nejeena was in an imminent danger.

\---

Nejeena opened the door that shielded her private quarters from rest of the base. She’d heard some weird noises and as she peaked to the corridor she saw Andronikos pacing behind her door.

_”Nik? What are you - ”_

He didn’t give her any time to finish her sentence but kissed her, hands gripping her wrists, locking them against her sides and pushing her inside as his lips assaulted her mouth in a way only his could. It left her breathless, surprised and… _hurt_?

His dark, almost black eyes glimmered, a faint scent of whiskey was all too familiar when it mixed with his own special flavour. Andronikos pushed her against the wall, lifting her easily so that he could position himself between her opened legs that she had wrapped around his waist like hundreds of times before. Her body acted on its own whereas her mind was too dazed to give it any orders.

Revels hair was even longer than before, he had more wrinkles on his forehead and around his eyes. Stubble on his chin and neck was thicker than she remembered, but everything else in him was so familiar, felt so much like long lost home it made her ache, fall towards him even if she tried to resist. Something beyond her anger and hurt pulled her to another direction. Or someone?

He kissed her neck now, hands roaming her body, finding just the right curves and spots to caress her and make her lose the remaining control she had. Only now as Nejeena felt him pulling of their clothes, both his and hers, as she stared at the crushing amounts of rocks and dirt, pressed together in an ancient past, becoming the mountain, hovering above her she realized she was crying.

Why? Wasn’t this exactly what she _had_ wanted? The love of her life coming back to her, leaving whomever he’d thought could replace her, wanting, needing, yearning her so much he could not stay away. That they could be like these five years had been a bad dream, nothing else. Maybe it would’ve been had he really meant it. Even if it would break his newest marriage it wouldn’t matter if he _really_ wished to start over again.

But alas no.

_"You won't use me as an excuse. I won't be your scapegoat for going back into the coward you used to be. You left me for a reason, threw it to my face as the very first thing when we reunited. That you wanted to change, needed to change and that couldn't happen with me. And when the first obstacle appeared you ran to me, hoping to get an easy way out. Isn't that it?"_

Nejeena was shouting and Andronikos backed away from her slightly, looking confused, like he wasn’t used for her slapping him against face with his faults and failures. He probably wasn’t. She’d married him as the faulted man he was just as he’d supported her crazy lifestyle filled with dark Lords, chasing after artifacts and raising into the power, risking dying and losing her mind in the process all in daily basis.

She’d had some time to think after that, five years in a coffin and few months in the freedom. Lying on a floor of a spaceship, in the middle of rhe Wild Space, surrounded by strangers, dying or wanting to do so, all the while as her child, killed by yet another impossible enemy bled out. Back then and every damned moment after that Nejeena would have given anything to have him beside her. But he’d simply and plainly walked away and only now she realized she could never forgive that.

_”You broke my heart - if you ever loved me you wouldn't come here and tear the wounds open all over again. You gave up on me, on us. I never did. I fought all those years against the nightmares, the poison, trying to stay alive and at least somewhat sane. But you never asked how it was, what I had to endure.”_

_”Nejeena, I did not mean…”_

_”Shut up. SHUT UP! How dare you to crawl back. Don’t you have a slightest respect for me? I want you out of my life for good this time.”_

_”But…”_

_”FOR GOOD I SAID.”_

She screamed, force choking her ex-husband and lifting him up so that he struggled helplessly in the middle of the room. That was how Lana found her as she blasted the door in with the Force. Before she had any time to ask questions a pirate who'd been thrown through the air landed at her feet from where he slowly stumbled up.

Andronikos threw one last look towards the woman he’d once followed anywhere and would've done anything she needed from him. But as she looked like she’d zap him, if he dared to open his mouth, he turned and walked away, shoulders slumped and supporting his side like he'd collapse otherwise. Theron couldn't tell whether he was more hurt physically or emotionally.

He reminded himself never to betray Nejeena like this, in any way. He had a feeling Revel was lucky to get out alive.

\---

Those yellow eyes with small red circles expanding in them fixed on Theron and Lana. The latter stared at Nejeenas luscious breasts like she'd never seen them without the usual fighting top covering them. Suddenly Theron realized that just might be the case. The thought made him feel smug at first and mortified the second.

_"Right time for bragging about your conquests Shan, good work."_

He muttered almost inaudibly under his breath.

_"And you two. How long have you been here?"_

Nejeena asked. She seemed to connect the dots and had she not already been furious Theron could bet she'd gotten angry by now. 

_"Get out of my head, Beniko! NOW!"_

Both Theron and Lana backed down. For the first time ever she looked like she might shock them if they didn't oblige. Nejeena was about to slam the door back shut, or everything left of anyway it, but she stopped in the middle of a movement like someone had called her name, interrupting her theatrical act.

_"And you too, you old and bitter bastard. Shut up!"_

The loud bang of the door closing so forcefully that few small rocks fell from the ceiling echoed in the base. It still gave Theron creeps whenever Nejeena talked to Valkorion aloud. 

_"So it seems not everyone wants their every feeling, thought and private conversation getting probed."_

Theron noted. Lana pretended she did not hear his comment but as a perceptive and composed woman, the Sith was likely to consider Nejeenas words later.

_"When they went their different ways I feared only one of them could live after that sort of love. It was marvelous but unconditional and it burned rather than built. And I thought ending such an relationship would kill either of them."_

_"Well now it has almost killed both of them once."_

Theron pointed out and Lana let out a long huff. She looked tired, almost sad.

_"I feel partially responsible for wrecking her personal life and stealing five years from her. Without our cooperation Marr might’ve chosen someone else as his trusted one in the Dark Council and the Eternal Fleet would’ve captured another Darth entirely."_

_"It’s not your fault Lana. Nejeena knows how to get herself into the trouble on her own. She can handle stumbling into crazy situations, with your input or without it."_

Lana nodded towards the broken doorframe and wall, patting Therons arm lightly.

_"Maybe you should go and check on her? If you dare."_

_"I'll be damned if I do and I'll be damned if I don't."_


	21. You're gonna go far kid.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I have like five chapters almost ready in my notepad, but they still need a little tweaking. 
> 
> I ended up doodling Nejeena whilst eating breakfast today. Just a quick crayon test, not a real piece of art by any measure. I've written some flashbacks about her childhood and teenage years lately, amongst many other things, so a baby Zabrak kind of popped up onto the paper.
> 
> Bear with me, will ya?

  



	22. While you live it up I'm off to sleep, waging wars to shape the poet and the beat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've been roaming around  
> Always looking down at all I see  
> Painted faces, fill the places I can't reach
> 
> You know that I could use somebody
> 
> Someone like you, and all you know, and how you speak  
> Countless lovers under cover of the street
> 
> Off in the night, while you live it up, I'm off to sleep  
> Waging wars to shape the poet and the beat  
> I hope it's gonna make you notice
> 
> Someone like me  
> Someone like me, somebody
> 
> I'm ready now
> 
>  
> 
> Kings of Leon // Use Somebody

It was the first time he slept next to her. Or actually stayed awake, watching her sleep. Theron was afraid to move, even breathe. And lying still, changing his position as little and as carefully as possible, avoiding anything that could wake her up, he felt foolish. Yet at the same time enjoying the simplicity of it so much. This was even better than the few times they’d had sex so far, better than all their stolen kisses and any of their long and meaningful conversations. it just might've been better than those moments when he felt she could truly see through him, the big picture behind his scattered and scarce words. Better than anything.

Nejeena had been drained tonight, after staying up in the bar with them, running countless missions before that and then having to clash with her former husband. When he’d stepped in, carefully, trying not to aggravate either the door that had been through a lot today or Nejeena whose mental state he wasn’t competent to evaluate, she’d just stood there, facing a wall, her usually good posture slumped. Whereas she usually oozed power and a certain level of threat, now the glorified Commander looked defeated, tired.

This wasn’t an area of expertise for him, quite the opposite but for some reason he was the person who’d ended up here, comforting a woman he still considered to be undownable and beyond matters such as heartbreak, even if the last few weeks had proved him wrong. The fact that she didn’t quite live up to the the idealistic memory he’d harboured in his mind for years wasn’t disappointing but rather comforting. In some twisted way it made him feel more useful, like he could be of some value for her, even beyond his professional skills. Like he could be needed...  he surely needed her.

The room was a mess, the usually neatly organized pile of datapads splayed on the floor, Nejeenas collection of artifacts and rocks and other keepsakes accompanying them, most of the lights broken, pieces of glass on the now empty shelves, but at least the bed had been in bearable condition once the covers had been removed. Theron had guided her onto the mattress like she'd been blind, making sure she didn't step onto the shards.

Nejeena had fallen asleep with ease he'd envied even before the war against Eternal Empire; Whenever they were on the missions and she used to doze off in only few minutes, wrapped in her sleeping bag. She was able to sleep anywhere: in the middle of the jungle, cramped inside a shuttle with ten other people, the storm raging outside or drunken soldiers shouting and shooting bottles behind a wall.

Nejeena had positioned herself against his side, Therons arm of under her neck and his hand on her back. She was facing towards him, so that he could see her face. She had very short eyelashes, that being consistent with her having almost zero to none of body hair. Nejeenas hair was short and of a different sort than human hair. It was thicker, wirier, resembling very thin rasta-hair. One of the threads was hanging on her face and Theron turned carefully just a little so that he could tuck it back behind her horns with his other hand.

He didn't know, whether Zabrak were generally warmer than humans but for a man who wore his jacket indoors and needed long underwear when the weather took even the slightest turn for the worse, her body heat was an amazing experience. It was like a hot bath or a steam room but without the dizziness and palpitation those otherwise indisputably enjoyable things caused him.

It slithered through and under his skin, diving deeper, making his muscles relax with its constant soothing heat. He was floating in the steady flow of oxytocin that their united bodies pumped into his system. It was even more intense experience than an orgasm, which was a fast and overwhelming peak of pleasure. This was lying near the end of the world, shooting stars piercing skies. The happiness blanketed him, even though the knowledge about the likely fall over the edge, the unavoidable last straw looming in the shadows made it bittersweet.

Theron breathed in her scent and pushed himself even closer. The starry sky behind his closed eyelids started to spin around, the sense of time and sense fading. Unwilling to lose the battle against sleep he entwined his fingers with Nejeenas. She'd keep him grounded, aware, saf-

 

\---

 

It was so strange, what she felt for him. Entirely different than what she’d had with Andronikos; It had been a fierce, devouring feeling, with a scent of dark violet roses, a taste of hurried kisses, a trail of bite marks, colliding together and then being pulled apart. Simultaneously seeking connection but needing freedom, driven by an urge of chasing a new horizon, together, apart, within each other.

The harsh way the pirate had seen the life, his ideas of their place and role in the universe hadn’t disputed her actions. The way she dwelled in the dark side of the Force never seemed to bother Revel: he’d even questioned her giving mercy, putting the needs of civilians, slaves, those weak and repressed before herself. He didn't deem it necessary to postpone reaching for her personal goals in order to stand against tyranny as a principal. Andronikos had no need for heroics, he never had charity cases or higher motives than survival and freedom of choice. 

But this thing with Theron was a whole new myriad of acceptance: a gentle pull, warmth. It was merging, healing feeling. It didn’t come in overflowing rushes but a little by little, surrounding her, staying with her wherever she went. And now, in the pale morning light that shifted through the small window, high up on the wall in her quarters, them lying legs and arms mixed together this bed and his scent filling the closed space under the duvet, the moment as a whole was like an embodiment of said sentiment.

Nejeena knew she'd never been a very good Sith. She loved lost artefacts, ancient knowledge, the power roaring in her veins when she wiped out her enemies like a sudden, dreadful plaque had hit their lines. Seeing through the facades the other people set up, as they were trying to deceive her, and playing tricks with their minds, even pushing them into total madness gave het satisfaction, yes. But the sheer amount of cruelty, delusional infighting and hoarding power just to gain even more power, the way of life most of her colleagues considered to suit a proper Sith - it wasn't her, it probably would never be.

But her emotions: seeking revenge for her family, the bottled up rage she had harbored for being a slave, the sorrow she dwelled in when she witnessed the Empire mistreating its own citizens and the mindless, merciless waves of war drowning them. Feeling all that she had never regretted even if only some of those things should've considered to be proper sentiments for a Sith. And she'd come to realise that she needed passion too, friendship and even love. Being empty and emotionless was impossible for her, it made her feel like she'd already died.

Somewhere down the road she'd also realized that the Sith Code didn't weigh any specific power structure above others. It didn't state that rising in the ranks of said system would be, or should be ones goal. Grasping for power should only be means to an end, nothing more.

If one didn't consider a Dark Council seat to be an ultimate goal for them, it wouldn't truly free them. Whatever they deemed important, emerging victorious in that task or reaching the finish line one had chosen for themselves, pushing the limits of society or their minds, any of those or none of it might free them. So after the Empire had crumbled under the heels of Arcanns forces Nejeena had no strings attached. Even though others might still have complicated feelings: sorrow, regret, nostalgia or even loyalty towards either the Republic, the Empire or Zakuul as Valkorions Eternal Empire, she was her own woman. And it felt wonderful.  

This freedom, brought or at least enhanced by the strangest unity between former enemies, striving together towards a common goal, it made the Force sing and echo in her body, in her veins and in the back of her skull like an orchestra had played all around her.

 _The Force shall free me,_ she muttered. _But how? What would it take away from her this time?_

Theron squeezed her fingers in his sleep and Nejeena realised she wouldn't resolve this issue now, maybe not ever. So she decided to enjoy this moment of peace even if for a tad longer. She'd wake up soon, resume her duties, she needed only few minu...

 

 

 


End file.
